Monologue

I've got fucked up train of thoughts right now. Wow, that is not a good start for me and for this notebook. Ok, so let me do it again. I can't sleep well because i just ate my breakfast-lunch-dinner meal (Yes, i only eat once a day recently, idk why, my appetite is weird and i'm blaming the weather) & I took a nap for 5 hours! Like wtf! SO I've been thinking of getting a notebook ever since, write about all the things that involves...you...in some way, i want to write all your napowrimo entries here (because i'd like to take a part of you with me always), i want to write all my feelz~ foh yah. Idk, just everything about you.

I still remember the first time i wrote something about you in my notes, it says:

March 11, 2013

Hey stranger, please don't do this to me.

-

What are you thinking right now? idk, i just, i felt something weird. It felt so real and so good at the same time. I won't forget the day you messaged me on my ask, you said I love your mixes, but i can't remember my reply. That was March 8, 2013, right? I won't forget that, the reason would be partly because you messaged me, and that was the day i saw my guy. I was restless the whole day, i didn't wanna see him, seriously. So much damaged has been done, i died. You know the story about this, so i won't tell it again. Ok, let me just write all my notes...

March 12, 2013

How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes. I can't seem to find myself.
You're the only who made me feel like i exist, Physically. And all the other ally's out there.
You make me terribly...happy in so many ways i can't even think of right now.
The second just before the thought of you cripples my mind, i can't seem to feel the air that is coming in and out of me. I can't breathe.
Heart is my favorite album too.
My heart wanted me to say these things, not me. =))
I did try to fill this paper with beautiful thoughts. Ok. Let's pretend I didn't say this.

-

March 19, 2013

I've been gone and dead for quite a long while, my body hungers for that kind of feeling...of being alive again. Well you just made me.

-

April 2, 2013

It's such a blur, I know. 
But there is something else, that we  didn't wish to see nor feel.
We're not blinded by the truth,
but by the fragments of yesterday and tomorrow.

An absolute and concrete feeling of being occupied by 
the thoughts and flashes of your existence
conquered my ground and atmosphere.
I have lived through your character, words, and voice,
it is merely impossible to have this feeling.

It's stupid, I know.

-

Do you still remember when i told you that you saved me? Well cause you did, ok? All my life, i never really think someone would appreciate the things that i do, even the simplest things, you were like a lightning that struck me when you said you love my mixes, which i don't think other people that i know personally really appreciates it or even know it, or even cared about asking about it. Idk, it's just that "appreciation" is such a big word and an issue for me, in all kinds of subjects and situations. I do sometimes think that i care so much about people and certain people including you. I just can't help myself sometimes, even though i know that they don't even deserve it. Why do i have like a big bowl of care and love for others wherein i don't even get that much of that. No, i am not asking or even demanding people to give me that, i don't know.

April 11, 2013

I've been confused and all ever since you talked to me.
But now i think i know why, it may be too soon or too weird for you.
But it's not that hard. 
It's not that too easy.
You make me happy.
(Comfortable by John Mayer now playing, hmm?)
I'd like to think things are like this and this, 
when all i could hear is my own self.
I may be stupid and crazy,
ok, i'm blaming you. 
You know i'd like to blame things and stuff,
especially food, fucking mcdonalds.

-

You are killing me. *in a good way

"Desire by
Under Your Spell

I don’t eat, I don’t sleep.
I do nothing but think of you.
You keep me under your spell."

I just want to be normal

This is not a good start for my blog, but i can't help it. 
I am bursting into tears, hate, pain and so much in there i can't even feel anymore. 
I feel so much pain and hate. 
I hate myself for feeling this way. 
I can't get back up.
I can't hold on any much longer now.
There is so much anger in here i want to kill someone.
I want to stab you so hard, you'll be buried in the ground.
I have no tears left to pour.
I hate you.
I never thought i would feel this way after all.
I want you to go away. 
I don't wanna see you.
I don't wanna hear you.
I feel so numb.
I can't feel anything right now, even the thick air.
I lose.

I’m thinking louder than usual, the world can’t contain me this yearning’s too much to defeat. I won’t stop, no, won’t stop until you save me from these turbulent tides inside myself, I’m drowning deep in my sorrows I keep on falling pull me back to stand on my own two feet and never leave me, just keep me company.