Existing, but you may not know

What is left by Yours truly


Outlying from thee can be if you must
For this affection by no means can rust 
These arms hunger for touch and lust 
Trust is at hand and in time we will adjust


What is left beyond these what we so called heart
All i hear is the sound of a thump, this must not rot
Steady, steady now dear
We won't subside, you're all i got

A Muse, My Muse?

You Are My Muse
by Gaby Dun 

I was writing before you but, I think maybe my writing wasn’t focused, or wasn’t good until this plateau, this fog of being not-lovers — of you sparking inspiration. Forgive my romance language, because even that is sort of a common, plebeian mistake; too similar to the scenario wherein we areromantic partners. Where I meet up with my friends after seeing you and say, “No, but this time it’s for real. This time everything is perfect. This time I really understand.”

Regardless, the lovely truth is that since I met you, I’ve been writing more.

So I don’t think you are a person, see. I think you are a muse. It comforts me to simplify you. Do you mind terribly if I address you as such, if you are, in fact, a muse — my muse?

I know you existed before me too. I know you’re not some winged pixie or Ancient Greek god. I know you’re just a regular human being. At least, you’ve told me of other cities you’ve lived in and your siblings and your high school and your job so I guess when you’re not with me, you’re not a muse.

Or maybe the same way a creative searches for their muse, so must a muse go through life slightly dormant until they meet someone with an emptiness big enough for them to nestle inside. Maybe the muse needs to find their creator, as much as the creator is desperate for their muse.

You didn’t choose to be my muse. (See, already you’re inspiring unintentional poetry. You’re just that good.) I am unsure if you know you’ve been my muse lately, because well, how would one bring up something this bizarre, this old-fashioned, this intense around casual company? It seems bland to describe to you that you have been my muse when there’s no way to really comfortably explain the relationship if you are, let’s say, off-put by my intentions.

Very well, then, the risk is that this is uncomfortable:

You’re the Diane Keaton and Mia Farrow to my Woody Allen. The Patty Boyd to my Eric Clapton and George Harrison. The half-Japanese cello enthusiast to my Weezer.

You must also forgive me if I don’t behave accordingly toward you, Muse. Despite these excellent pop culture role models, I don’t quite know the etiquette. I am also personally unfamiliar with this feeling.

To say to you, “I want you around all the time so I can look at you and become inspired.” Well, I’m not sure. Are muses like deer in a meadow? Would proclaiming myself to you scare you into the forest? Or would you become equally as transfixed by me as I am by you?

I have been in love before, real love, and I have never written anything about that person. Yet, from the moment I met you, all I’ve done is create. You’ve been showing up, in bits and pieces, in my writing — at first, a quip or quote here or there but soon, a fully-formed epic sprang forth from my head like Athena from Zeus’s crown. (It’s an overblown and overused metaphor, for sure. But it seemed appropriate given the outdated nature of your even being a muse, right? I mean, let’s not split hairs. Some of these lines are indeed your fault.)

To update it, maybe like Leo and Kate in Titanic, you can sprawl naked on my couch and I’ll sit with my Macbook open, typing away — occasionally looking up, tongue wedged between my teeth in focus — capturing your essence, your silhouette, your humor, your jawline. I’d paint it into Microsoft Word, everything you make me feel and think and then simply slap it up onto a blog where it will be consumed within minutes. Where no one will care about the complex nature of what I feel, beyond me — and maybe you?

It’s less romantic than the arts of bygone years that you may be used to — what with the storied history of the muse. We live in a time where these things are more functional than flattering and for that, Muse, I apologize. You certainly deserve more.

Sometimes I wonder — is this too inward? Have I stopped looking outside, searching for the beauty of the world because I’m lost in your musing ways? I want to study you and nothing else. I want to research you like a historical event or a scientific anomaly. Who cares what aspect of quantum mechanics is being uncovered today — I want to know what you think about comic book movies. I want to capture the way your hands move. I want to decipher your voice. I have no power beyond expression, which of course, you now control.

Oh, I’ve gained so much because of you, Muse — but I have also lost, don’t you see? Throughout time and history and art and stories, the creator will always lose.

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(c) stoqued.tumblr.com 

*for posting this beautiful writing, check her blog for some cool stuff and amazing poems and creative writings. I've been following her blog for a long time now, and i like it. 

Beyond The Horizon

I sometimes wonder what could lie beyond that horizon. That thin line that separates the sky and the floor of blue sea. What could possibly exist in an open vast under the burning heat of the sun. As I walked through the farthest roads you could ever imagined, i see nature. The rays strikes through the spaces of leaves and branches leaving holes of light into the ground. The morning seems to be cold and so it leaves the flowers and leaves to grow and bloom with moist and droplets clearer than crystals. 

The smell of newborn ground and air that is colder than the mint, lifts me up and steals the breath of life from my lungs into my mouth.I can hear the mad waters gushing through the roughest stones. It hits the surface like a creature that hungers for guilt and pride. As the left overs of dark sea reaches the warm coarse sand, i raise my hand and take a peek into the brightest rays, playing to the patterns and figures of shadow and bright beams. Palms are getting sweaty and even, it glows as the sun strikes through every veins and skin. Subtle skin is so translucent, blood flows through the obstacles. I sense every stir and motion of the sea, blowing of the wind and the steps you make nearby.

Those wobbly hands, it sweats but it stays very soft like a cotton. As I felt your skin touches my skin from the back, you held my hand and brings me closer to the waves. My blood starts to rush from my heart to different parts of my body, i feel it every millisecond of that moment. That sticky and warm fuzzy feeling left me dancing into the waves, letting it to drag me anywhere i want to be, the water is so angry it throws me back to where you are where the still water surrounds the space you conquered. 

It appears that no one is left from the crowd, but you. It is time to utter those lost unspoken words that rhymes the beat of your heart. Speak, speak and let that lips move into the way it should be. As the sound of first word lurks into my ear, my heart hits the breaking ground, the hollow breath of yours reaches my soul deeply it collapses my mind but not my body. 

I moved closely as i breathe the air you breathe, i feel safe.

Back Down South

I guess I am still not too late for some heat burning my skin and coarse sand under my feet. Yes, we call them Beach baby! 


It's the first time that our family become so adventurous, we traveled for i guess 2 hours from Silang, Cavite then to Ternate. We didn't even realize that we also have paradise here in our own place, our home. The resort was owned by the Philippine Marines, and were used and still being used as a training camp for the soldiers. It is maintained by the government and the soldiers itself but because of the white sand, clear waters and relaxing ambiance a lot of people would like to visit the place, and so they opened it for public. 


Entrance fees were very cheap compared to the other beach resorts nearby. If you would stay for only a day it would cost you 100 php, for overnights 200 php. Cottages and rooms are also available. It is also fun because you could bring your own tents and placed it by the bay or if you don't have your own tent, there are a lot of available tents for rent for around 400-500 php good for 4-5 persons. Bringing of food and alcoholic drinks are allowed and the soldiers are very accommodating also to the visitors. 


Because it is just being developed recently, some facilities and amenities still needs improvement and development. For some reasons maybe they lack budget from the government and the other soldier also said that they pay taxes every month and it costs like more than a hundred thousand. I hope the government could provide more budget for them to maintain this beautiful paradise.


And the other moments were history..

Life's a Beach

Two words, life and beach. Let me get this straight and be done with it as soon as I possibly can.


Why Life?


Well, as of now i am no good at anyone right? And yes my life is trying to be bitchy. I can't fix it, i don't know how or maybe I just don't like fixing everything. Pride is winning as of the moment, i can't help myself. Everybody thinks that I am a bitch and I am the worst person they have ever known in their whole life. For me, it's better to throw all my rants and shit here cause no one cares and no one knows. I guess this is reality..


So now, why Beach?


It's the month of May here in the small country half across the world, it's called Philippines I don't know if in the foreign countries they know it exist lol. Anyway, yes, It's a tropical country, Starting from March to May we call it Summer then June to August is Rainy Season and starting from September..well enough with the season stuff, so yeah it's summer today and my summer classes just ended last week, so I've got few weeks left for a vacation and some skinny dipping, i'm just kidding. So last week were planning where to go for some outing in the beach, and yes we've looked everywhere and we found one. And when everything is planned out, everyone is trying to be bitch again and ruining all the plans we've had. And at the end, I'm still the bitch.


So yeah, my week, my summer, my life sucks. 

It could mean anything

I would like to share this song, called the "White Blank Page" by Mumford and Sons from the album Sigh No More. This song really means a lot to me..


..and btw, this is the best session i have ever heard! 

Mumford & Sons - White Blank Page (Bookshop Sessions)

Can you lie next to her
And give her your heart, your heart
As well as your body
And can you lie next to her
And confess your love, your love
As well as your folly
And can you kneel before the king
And say I'm clean, I'm clean

[Chorus:]
But tell me now, where was my fault
In loving you with my whole heart
Oh, tell me now, where was my fault
In loving you with my whole heart

A white blank page and a swelling rage, rage
You did not think when you sent me to the brink, to the brink
You desired my attention but denied my affections, my affections

[Chorus:]
So tell me now, where was my fault
In loving you with my whole heart
Oh tell me now, where was my fault
In loving you with my whole heart

Lead me to the truth and I will follow you with my whole life
Oh, lead me to the truth and I will follow you with my whole life

..it reminds me of someone

Bullseye

Taylor-Ruth (c) http://thisishangingrockcomics.tumblr.com/

Great comic series, sketches and blog she has. I actually follow her on Tumblr, I guess that's the only site she has. This is what I actully feel right now. Thanks to her! :-) And yes, I only have Blogspot and Tumblr active as of the moment. 

I was not magnificent at all

Today has been a fun fun fun day with one of my best friends ever! A lot of good laughs, new stories and some good old shit. lol so yeah, it seems like i'm happy. But not true happiness at all. I don't know if people sees it, i don't think so, cause I'm the type of person who just laughs at everything even if it breaks my heart evenly. Sometimes things are not funny at all. 


I feel like I've been so useless with everything, i suck at friendship, interpersonal relationships, family and all the relationships you could think of. I feel like I am no good at anybody, I can't prove anything at all and i am no use to anyone. I've been so deeply unloved in so many ways. Nothing is left for me, no one has left for me. 


Deactivating some of my social networking sites is not a solution i know that. But because, sometimes I think they consider me as a friend only on the internet world. But yeah, i still believe in what they call "true friends" but but but, only few of them are left. Lovers? Btw, what is love? it's such a short word with a rich, pure and strong meaning attached to it. Well anyway, I've got no lovers i think. I don't think that's the appropriate term for that but in a way, yes. Me? if you would ask me? Yes, i do believe in that but it's sad that only a few people meant it, believe in it, and utter it. 


What I know makes me think I wanna quit and give up everything but I feel like I have to fight for it. It's hard to choose between what you think of and what you feel cause in the end it makes you stupid and regret that you made that choices. But hey, read it again, I'm fighting for it so please try to help me with this. Try to be something and help me conquer this world, were gonna rule it someday, i know it. I am not gonna throw in my towel, i'm gonna win this one. 


We were nearly there

Getting to know yourself better

And so I was browsing through my Tumblr Dash, i saw this post where in she posted about answering some personality tests and so the link is there, and yes I've tried it. Wanna see the results? Don't say it, i know you want it. Lol well anyway, here it goes.



Your view on yourself:
You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.


The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:
Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.

Your views on education
Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:
You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:
You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:
You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.

Who is your true self:
You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.


So here is the first part, and below these statements there's a link that says "Give me more" so more questions appeared and here goes the results for the second part.



Here is the analysis:

1. You are a very serious person. You tend to be quiet and well behaved, and you don't have a great deal of self-confidence. You prefer to be alone rather than with friends and that could make you a little less interesting to certain types of guys. You are very attractive in an individual kind of way, and this means it can take people a little while to get to like you.
2. You really care about other people's feelings and are quite serious about the issues that affect your life. You are sincere, and your concern for the well-being of others makes many people want to be your friend.
3. You strictly follow rules, and you expect other people to be the same as well. People can get tired of you easily, as you can make them feel a little guilty about themselves. You always make decisions on your own, and can be dismissive of other people's advice. You like to be the leader in groups, but can forget to be concerned about the people you are with.
4. Your peers think of you as a fun person, but sometimes you can be a little irresponsible. You can be somewhat childish, and can try to ignore the fact that you will one day need to really grow up and be a mature adult! Perhaps you could start reading good books; they might help you look at the world in a different light. You do want to be taken seriously, right? 
5. Your boyfriend believes that you are a strong and independent person. Your confidence and cheerfulness make you an attractive person to be around, but sometimes you need to pay more attention to what other people, including your boyfriend, are thinking.

This would be the last cause it is a never ending "Give me more" questions. Lol this time the site says it's about the "Love Style" the title is a bit funny but damn the results. 

Here is the analysis:


You desire a love that will last forever. You are quite serious about finding this type of love, and that's why you think carefully about the men that you meet before deciding whether you could really love them. You don't just develop a crush on someone overnight: you look at a person's personality and other aspects of their life before deciding to form an attachment. If a guy doesn't meet your expectations, you would rather be alone. Your love has to be perfect. Be careful though, you could be missing out on some worthy relationships because your standards are so high.


So yeah, I think I can't tell anymore about it cause this personality tests is very accurate! A big round of applause for the people who made this site. Cause for me, i don't even know the very details of myself. What's that suppose to mean? Well anyway, so now you have a little information about me, what can you say about it? 

Down River

This day so far is still the same just like all the days of my 19 years of living in this earth. I breathe the air, smell the lemon grass and inhale love ever since my eyes felt the sun's heat and my body shivers from the cold of the ground. So basically i feel so random today. Just like the words and sentences I've placed up there. Feels like I'm writing a book or something! 


I don't feel so right. I feel like my body's gonna crash any minute now. I am not sick but it seems like a thousand pounds of gold just hit me and man i feel the weight of it in every bones and muscles in my body. I feel so hollow in every corner of my unloved heart. Did I lost all my friends and foes that's why i feel so empty? I know there's something wrong but i just can't fucking get it! It makes me sad and lonely. These songs that play breaks me into pieces and i can't seem to build myself again. I am lost. I am curious. I am..I..


I just miss you i guess.

"Lay down with me, tell me no lies. Just hold me close, don't patronize"

A round of applause

People change. I guess i believe in these two simple phrases I've been hearing to a lot of friends of mine. There's nothing I can do about it, I know we can't please everyone but that's the way life is. We live in a world full of lies, shits, and all the craps you could think of. But whatever happens, in the end we feel happy about something or someone.

Well sorry to say, I just have to admit how much you've changed the first time we met. We are both happy knowing and learning about things, getting to know everything about each other, having fun with every seconds that we have. But what happened? Like we've walked in different paths, you have walked far too right and crossed the bridge, burned it and never came back. From all the things that I don't like, is leaving me somewhere in the middle and just act like nothing happened, like we haven't known each other for too long. 

A round of applause for you for receiving the award of "Most inconsistent friend" Stay the same, congratulations! *Am I too sarcastic about this? My thoughts, thinking and writing is not good anymore cause I'm too sleepy and tired from, about everything.