Monologue

I've got fucked up train of thoughts right now. Wow, that is not a good start for me and for this notebook. Ok, so let me do it again. I can't sleep well because i just ate my breakfast-lunch-dinner meal (Yes, i only eat once a day recently, idk why, my appetite is weird and i'm blaming the weather) & I took a nap for 5 hours! Like wtf! SO I've been thinking of getting a notebook ever since, write about all the things that involves...you...in some way, i want to write all your napowrimo entries here (because i'd like to take a part of you with me always), i want to write all my feelz~ foh yah. Idk, just everything about you.

I still remember the first time i wrote something about you in my notes, it says:

March 11, 2013

Hey stranger, please don't do this to me.

-

What are you thinking right now? idk, i just, i felt something weird. It felt so real and so good at the same time. I won't forget the day you messaged me on my ask, you said I love your mixes, but i can't remember my reply. That was March 8, 2013, right? I won't forget that, the reason would be partly because you messaged me, and that was the day i saw my guy. I was restless the whole day, i didn't wanna see him, seriously. So much damaged has been done, i died. You know the story about this, so i won't tell it again. Ok, let me just write all my notes...

March 12, 2013

How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes. I can't seem to find myself.
You're the only who made me feel like i exist, Physically. And all the other ally's out there.
You make me terribly...happy in so many ways i can't even think of right now.
The second just before the thought of you cripples my mind, i can't seem to feel the air that is coming in and out of me. I can't breathe.
Heart is my favorite album too.
My heart wanted me to say these things, not me. =))
I did try to fill this paper with beautiful thoughts. Ok. Let's pretend I didn't say this.

-

March 19, 2013

I've been gone and dead for quite a long while, my body hungers for that kind of feeling...of being alive again. Well you just made me.

-

April 2, 2013

It's such a blur, I know. 
But there is something else, that we  didn't wish to see nor feel.
We're not blinded by the truth,
but by the fragments of yesterday and tomorrow.

An absolute and concrete feeling of being occupied by 
the thoughts and flashes of your existence
conquered my ground and atmosphere.
I have lived through your character, words, and voice,
it is merely impossible to have this feeling.

It's stupid, I know.

-

Do you still remember when i told you that you saved me? Well cause you did, ok? All my life, i never really think someone would appreciate the things that i do, even the simplest things, you were like a lightning that struck me when you said you love my mixes, which i don't think other people that i know personally really appreciates it or even know it, or even cared about asking about it. Idk, it's just that "appreciation" is such a big word and an issue for me, in all kinds of subjects and situations. I do sometimes think that i care so much about people and certain people including you. I just can't help myself sometimes, even though i know that they don't even deserve it. Why do i have like a big bowl of care and love for others wherein i don't even get that much of that. No, i am not asking or even demanding people to give me that, i don't know.

April 11, 2013

I've been confused and all ever since you talked to me.
But now i think i know why, it may be too soon or too weird for you.
But it's not that hard. 
It's not that too easy.
You make me happy.
(Comfortable by John Mayer now playing, hmm?)
I'd like to think things are like this and this, 
when all i could hear is my own self.
I may be stupid and crazy,
ok, i'm blaming you. 
You know i'd like to blame things and stuff,
especially food, fucking mcdonalds.

-

You are killing me. *in a good way

"Desire by
Under Your Spell

I don’t eat, I don’t sleep.
I do nothing but think of you.
You keep me under your spell."

I just want to be normal

This is not a good start for my blog, but i can't help it. 
I am bursting into tears, hate, pain and so much in there i can't even feel anymore. 
I feel so much pain and hate. 
I hate myself for feeling this way. 
I can't get back up.
I can't hold on any much longer now.
There is so much anger in here i want to kill someone.
I want to stab you so hard, you'll be buried in the ground.
I have no tears left to pour.
I hate you.
I never thought i would feel this way after all.
I want you to go away. 
I don't wanna see you.
I don't wanna hear you.
I feel so numb.
I can't feel anything right now, even the thick air.
I lose.

I’m thinking louder than usual, the world can’t contain me this yearning’s too much to defeat. I won’t stop, no, won’t stop until you save me from these turbulent tides inside myself, I’m drowning deep in my sorrows I keep on falling pull me back to stand on my own two feet and never leave me, just keep me company. 
   
 

Brand New

It's almost New Year's eve, and i still haven't started doing my school homeworks. I don't want the minutes or seconds to move, i don't want to waste any moment right now, and i just want to inhale everything right now that exist around and within me. I feel like nothing (no one) is left for me. I feel like i don't exist in the world where everyone else seems to be so happy and free. I keep on losing the light that was meant to be followed. 

I still remember that moment when i woke up feeling all so brand new and i've got nothing to worry about. That 1st day of the year 2012, the moment my eyes and my lungs started to breath some air, i remember myself sleeping into tears before that moment. It still tears me up inside just a little every now and then. The smell of my sheets every morning, the footsteps from the stairs, the smiles and laughs with so much beauty in it, i won't forget that. I will always remember you as you are right now to me, remember you now. 

It will always be a chapter of the book with a marker on top, so i won't forget and it will always remind me to remember every moment of it. Why am i even blogging right now if i can't even help myself to think and just write everything that happened to me this year. 

I guess i am still dying.

Heartless?

Why can't you be normal, why can't you be like everybody else. I know, and i do understand that we all are trying to be someone else, change is inevitable. Why are you so complicated in so many aspects in my life? I can't understand you sometimes, but seriously I'm trying. I want to help, i am fulfilling the role you gave me, what you wanted me to be and i respect that.

I get it, i get what you mean, what you want, or whatever you need to be truly happy, but what i don't get it is i think we are all temporary to you. Yes, i am affected, i am part of your life as well, though i am just your friend or whatever level of friendship we have, i am your friend who was with you the whole time. Why can't we be enough. Why can't we all just be happy. One day you will see, that everything in this world has a reason or meaning to our life. You can't just throw it all away like a piece of paper. Were not disposable, we need to be remembered, loved and valued even in the simplest way. 

Learn how to appreciate the things you have in front of you, or you might lose it in time. You need to stop dreaming and it's time to face reality. We are being used and misguided sometimes, all we have to do is be sensible enough. Nothing is permanent, finding consistency and truth can be hard but all i could say is that, you have the freedom to choose who you want to be with and who you wan't to be. There's nothing to worry, cause i would still be your friend.

Get out of that corner, and stop being so terrified with everything. *pats on the back

Untitled

I fell into
a sea of
blankets
hoping I
would drown

instead I
was met
with your
lingering
scent

so I held
my breath
and suffocated
instead 

(c) thesmudgesofmysoul

Sad

Sometimes i get so sad

So sad that I
completely shut down

I stare blankly at the wall
And it doesn't matter what 
you say to me
Because in that moment
I don't exist.

(c) nyctophillia

To build a home

I don't even know how to start this entry, i would say that the first part or the introduction of any writing will always be the hardest part, and the ending would be the best part. 

Weeks ago, my eyes can't help but to burst into tears and my lungs started to breathe in and out smoothly when i finally looked into reality and face the truth. A strike of pain in my heart and opens it up freely from the truth that was gained. I can't seem to live the next day. I finally let go of my hand holding on to the frail cliff and crashed into the cold waters rushing through the sand and stones. I was blinded by the truth and fear. I was voiceless from the sweetest thoughts of yesterday. I can't hear the sadness and happiness of life. All i know is that it doesn't exist not only within my mind, but in my heart as well. It was pierced deeply that i couldn't obliterate or i might as well die knowing that loving a human being could be as hard and daunting as dying.

Too much love has given, but a different side of love was returned. It was all but a confusion and soreness. Save me from the hole of your confusion and madness in life. The mess and wild thoughts of yours, get it all together. 

I held on as tightly as you held onto me. Cause I built a home for you, for me. Until it dissappeared from me, from you.