I don't know what to say, so i left it blank

This song is very beautiful. The title is Chocolate by Snow Patrol from the album "Final Straw". And as I listen to it, every line of it, i remember you. I know what you said means no, honestly i don't know why i just said that to you. Maybe i just can't bear this feeling anymore. Just like what The Fray said "If I don't say this now, I will surely break". I needed you, more than i needed anyone before. Am I being too forward about this? I don't know anything about this idk. You said it, maybe I don't need to answer it anymore, i fully understand it. Give me time.


This could be the very minute
I'm aware I'm alive
All these places feel like home

With a name I'd never chosen
I can make my first steps
As a child of 25

This is the straw, final straw
In the roof of my mouth as I lie to you
Just because I'm sorry doesn't mean
I didn't enjoy it at the time

You're the only thing that I love
It scares me more every day
On my knees I think clearer

Goodness knows I saw it coming
Or at least I'll claim I did
But in truth I'm lost for words

What have I done? It's too late for that
What have I become? Truth is nothing yet
A simple mistake starts the hardest time
I promise I'll do anything you ask this time


I am sorry for wanting more. I just wanted more from you, now i am sure about that. 

I'm officially missing you

10:49 pm, December 24, 2011. Malapit na magpasko, hindi ko naiisip ang mga regalo na matatanggap ko, o kung malaki ba ang mga laman ng envelope na ibibigay sakin. Iniisip ko, kung ano ano ba ang mga dapat kong pasalamatan kay Lord, madaming nangyari ngayong taon na hinding hindi ko makakalimutan. Pero wait lang, hindi ito ang year-end blog ko. Pasko pa lang e. Haha


Lord, I'm officially missing you. Pasensya na hindi na kita masyadong nakakausap bago ako matulog, baka isipin mo nilalapitan lang kita pag kailangan ko ng tulong. Pasensya na lagi ako nagpupuyat na halos maguumaga na ako kung matulog, at sa sobrang antok ko, nakakalimutan kong kausapin ka, pasalamatan ka, at kwentuhan ka. Malapit na ang kaarawan mo, oo maraming nakakalimot na ang Pasko ay kaarawan mo at hindi araw ng bigayan ng mga regalo na galing kay Ninong at Ninang. Sana magustuhan mo ang handog naming kainan para sayo. Sana masarapan ka, luto ni nanay yan. Sabi nga ni Rihanna sa kanta nyang "Run This Town", You're gonna run this town tonight. Di ba? Para samin, kahit hindi kami nakapagsimba, o nakapagdasal bago kumain, hinding hindi ka namin nakakalimutan, at lalong lalo na hindi namin nakalimutan na kaarawan mo ngayon, habang buhay kasama mo kami tuwing kaarawan mo. Mahal na mahal ka namin! Maraming Salamat sa lahat!


MALIGAYANG PASKO SA INYONG LAHAT! :-)

I've been thinking a lot

About the varsity thing the first time i got on college 3 years ago. I've been to playing a men sport, basketball. They say only the tough guys can play ball, but they don't know that there are a lot of tough women too. Well, I guess I'm one of them. Yes, I do play women sport too like volleyball and badminton. But I'm not as good when I'm playing ball. I guess that's my passion. I'm the only girl who plays ball in the family, and of course my guy cousins its natural to them don't you think?


I've been playing basketball since I was in elementary years. I can't remember who influenced or inspired me to play, maybe i was born with it. It's my skill that God gave me. Well, Thank you Lord for giving me a unique skill for a women to have and I promise you to treasure and improve it. I have a lot of girl friends who also play ball, and also become my teammates during high school. I did not join the varsity during high school, i just play during our intrams week and i just got luck on my last year in high school, I got the Most Valuable Player award! Yey! Can you believe that? No. Srsly? No. Yes, me too. Hahaha


So the point is, of course I want to join the varsity team in UST or just the varsity team of our college, basta varsity. But i just realized that I won't be finishing my Interior Design course in 4 years, i know for sure that i would be extending for more than 2 years so a total of 6 years, its because of the training everyday, the conditioning and everything. I can't focus on my studies and plates. I know that for sure, now that I am in 3rd year already. I've been thinking what could happen if i joined the team and continued my passion of playing ball? 


Oh god I miss basketball.

Spitting Fire

12/17/2011


Saturday, Christmas vacation is here! Finally I could sleep whenever I want to, or do whatever I want. I've been looking forward for this day its because I feel so tired from everything, a lot of issues happened, a lot of pain and sacrifice, a lot of stress and mess. I guess I've been through a lot this past month, well I don't want to enumerate everything here. Basta, I've been through a lot, like ups and downs. Haha 


So, I've just watched "The Art of Getting By" a while ago. Starring Emma Roberts and Freddie Highmore. The guy from the chocolate factory is now a hottie! lol Do you remember him?

This is not a movie blog, so I won't write a review about it, I am just recommending this movie because It made me cry, and I really love the uniqueness of this movie. I'll rate it as 11/10. I recommended this, because I could really relate, not from the whole movie itself but only in some parts of it.  A movie that talks about a lot of things, you could actually get it from its title itself. I just have a few questions in my mind after watching this, Why do some guys don't have the guts to tell a girl how they feel about them? There could be a lot of answers, I know that but I'm not 100 percent sure about it. Maybe they are too scared they might lose that someone, or they are not sure of what they feel about you, or they are just waiting for that someone to do the first move. But, the thought of staying and being with that someone without labels or anything, it just feels good. But deep inside you hunger for that words or phrases or that status of your closeness, your relationship with each other. Some people hunger for that, some people don't just really care about it, as long as your there. Just as long as you stay.

But for me, staying too long will make you look stupid in the end. Staying for something you're not sure of, like your hanging from a cliff and you're not sure if someone is going to save you, or you'll die by falling, or maybe you'll fall but then he might catch you. You can't predict what could happen, just like what they say "It just happens". But i learned something from the movie, we've got a lot of time in this world to be whatever we wanted to be, or to be with someone we really loved. This is not the only time, we could be together someday. Who knows? Di ba? In the right time and in the right place.

"Wasn't fit to have you but I will never run and hide. I don't feel so bad and then I will not apologize" 

A little bit of heaven

Yeah! You must definitely watch it. It's a very good good good movie, i'll rate it as 11 over 10. Maybe you'll do the same, i just cried. It was a sad movie, but then i think i just bumped my head over the wall and realized that there are so many things in this world that you need to love and appreciate. Especially the people around you, friends, family, even new friends. Cause life is happy, unexpected things could happen, love, it's everything, but in the end, of course no one knows when is the ending of this beautiful story only God knows when and how and i think i feel scared about it. I still need to do a million things in this world, but you wanna know what's on the top list? It's to be loved by everyone, by all of the people i loved the most and cared for, i guess that's too much for me before I..okay let's not say it. *knock on wood I know that God, still have plans for me. Thanks for everything. You know all my worries, doubts, pains and happiness, i share it with you every night and every time i needed you. I just don't know or I can't explain what I'm feeling right now, I don't know if I'm happy or what. 


Yes, i think i knew it just 5 sec ago. I guess I'm too weak for this kind of feeling, I'm feeling too weak for someone like you. Can you believe it? Why can't I be someone like my cousin for example. Because a while ago I was with him and my aunt and they would be visiting my aunt's friend who is from states and will be leaving tomorrow. My aunt said "Gusto ka na daw makita ng pamangkin ng kaibigan ko, mukhang interesado talaga sayo" Yeah, my aunt asked my cousin who is single to meet the nephew of her friend. So that's the story, I still don't know what happened, i'll ask my aunt tomorrow. Hihi. So i just realized, how come my cousin who is really a big guy, but deep inside a sensitive and soft heart and yes a man of few words have this kind of strong feeling of meeting a woman whom he doesn't even know, not even 1 percent of the looks or personality. I know man is different from woman when it comes to this, but I just salute him for having balls! 


Guys, I don't mean of having balls too. lol laughing hard at this i just can't stop typing and thinking of words and sentences to type here. For a long time, i know i'm big (physically) and yes i thought i'm strong enough to face everything, that I don't get scared of being broken or anything similar to that, that I can face everything that comes at my way, when you leave me alone i tell you people, i could be so fragile and just sit or lay in bed and think about the things that is happening, that it scares the shit out of me. I got so scared that my hands are getting sweaty and I just keep on calling God and tell him to let me realize that everything's gonna be okay. Will it be? I guess, if you want something go for it, never regret of doing that cause one day, you'll realize that's the only thing that could make you feel the happiest human being alive and free from anything that could hurt you. So, never. 


It'll take time to demolish the weak side of my walls, and replaced it with stronger ones. 


"I am here still waiting though i still have my doubts. I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out"

Love's not a competition (But I'm winning)

Well love's not a competition, but I'm winning. Or at least I thought I was but there's no way of knowing. 


I should have written this, like a week ago. Today, I could at least say I'm okay now. I'm feeling better today. Love from my family and friends and everything. Thank you guys. I owe you guys bigtime. Especially for my friends who have given me lots of big hugs, Hihi you guys are the sweetest I needed it in times like this. 


HAHAHAHAHHA FUNNY AKALA MO ANONG NANGYARI. FEELING KO NAMATAY O NAOSPITAL! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA Natawa ako sa sarili ko, sa pinaglalagay ko. Tapos alam mo yung seryoso pa tapos english barok pa. Hahahahahahaha Eh simple lang naman kwento ko, kung ano ano pa nabanggit ko. Hahahahahahahah FUNNY!


Wait, nakakaabala naman yung Twitter at Facebook sa pagsususlat ko dito. Hindi ko pa pala nasisimulan ang kwento. So ganito kasi yun, Last week kasi, Sobra talaga akong lungkot, tapos umiiyak pa ko. Corny ko no? Eh totoo naman. Kasi, grabe yung nalaman ko eh. Ako pa talaga yung nakaalam, yung hindi galing sa iba. Mas masakit pag ganun, tapos sa tinuring mo pang kaibigan. Pero, hindi naman nabanggit na ako ang tinutukoy nya sa mahiwaga nyang kwento, pero alam mo yung pakiramdam na, oo alam mo yung sinasabi nya, nararamdaman nya habang ginagawa yung kwento nya? Alam mo yung, alam mong ikaw talaga. Ganun kasi yung naramdaman ko. Hindi ko na nagawang tanungin siya, kasi sobra talaga yung galit ko. Alam kong mali ako kasi pinangunahan ko lahat, oo, hindi ko naman alam din ang mga nangyari, ang alam ko lang yun lang. Hindi ko naman alam lahat nangyayari kasi wala ako dun eh. Aminado talaga ako, mali talaga ako dito sa nangyayari na to. Parang ako lang gumagawa ng lahat talaga, since day 1. Puro ako nagsasalita. Wala akong naririnig kahit isa sa kabilang side. Minsan kailangan ko ng answers eh. Kaya siguro ang galing ko manghula sa exams. 


Naawa pa ko kay Papu. Kasi nasa harap ako ng computer, tapos kausap ko isa kong kaibigan na todo magbigay ng mga wala akong masabing payo. Grabe talaga, sa hindi ko maintindihan na pakiramdam ko, hindi ko napigilan umiyak, eh biglang dumating si Papu, tapos hindi ko sya masagot, kasi ayokong humarap, makikita nya ko. Tapos alam mo yung gustong gusto nya ko kausapin, pero hindi mangyayari kasi naiiyak na ko, hanggang sa di ko napigilan, pumasok ako ng banyo, nagbukas ng tubig tapos naiyak talaga ako. Nung lumabas si Papu para magtimpla ng kape, pumasok na ko sa kwarto at umiyak. Pasensya na Papu, hindi ko na napigilan, gusto ko pa man din makipagkwentuhan. Pasensya na, babawi naman ako. Tapos pinilit kong maging okay, kasi padating na ang aking Ina. Pero thank you talaga sa kaibigan kong yun, kung pwede lang itabi yung mga mensahe mo sakin. At babasahin ko minsan pag natatanga ako. Salamat ah! Kilala mo kung sino ka. :-)


Ayoko na. Nakakapagod na to. Gusto ko ng totoong tao. Please. Sorry, kung sisirain ko na ang lahat. Oo, sa kabilang banda nanghihinayang ako sa lahat. Sa dami ng pinagsamahan. Uy corny na sa part na to. Haha! Pero please. Kailangan eh, kailangan mangyari to. Wag na nating isipin kung sino ang nagsimula at gumawa neto, basta, ako ang nagtapos. 




"Is there anything worth looking for, worth loving for,worth lying for. Is there anything worth waiting for, worth living for, worth dying for."

What's the purpose of Relationshit?

So anong meron sa title ko? Haha. Baka naman sabihin niyo bitter ako or something. I was thinking about this topic since yesterday, and I've decided to write it here on scattered pages under my bed. Hihi 


I'm single and I'm happy, yes people I'm happy and contented with what I have right now. Supportive and cranky friends. Lovable parents and a lovely dog. Good life. Good health. I'm really fine. Try to ask yourselves, for those who have boyfriends and girlfriends. Are you happy with your someone right now? I know you'd say yes. Do you feel the love that they want to share? I know you'd say very much. Do you love waking up in the morning with someone holding you and sharing some sheets? I know you'd say, I don't want to get up and just stay in bed. I know most of you would say these things. I know most of you feel so 101% happy and contented in life and just want to stay that way forever. But we all know that there's no such thing as forever, and that things  that make us happy only last for a while. I know that some of you doesn't know that.


Boys, why do you ask girls for them to say yes? Why do you tell them that they are the prettiest girl alive? Why do you tell them you won't leave them? Why do you tell them I love you everyday? Does it make you feel good? Does it make you feel happy? For you, does this feeling last for a lifetime? Does it makes you a better person? 


No one knows.


Girls, why do you tell them you want them to stay? Forever? For the rest of my life? Why do you tell them to be your knight and shining armor? Why do you tell them to kiss you every time they see you? Why? Does it change your way of living? Does it change your lifestyle? Does it change yourself? Does it change everything?


No one knows too.


So why do you think people have this kind of commitment? Does it..Should stop staying this Does thing. So why do people propose some kind of an agreement for themselves? To stay, care and love each other? Do you really need a relationship when you can stay, care and love someone without these thing that they call, "Relationship"? We could all love, stay and care for someone whenever we want to, whenever we feel to, and just whenever.




"Gonna free fall out into nothing Oh, I’m gonna leave this, this world for a while. Now I’m free, free falling, falling."

Makes me wonder

Sorry naman sa sobrang late ko na post. Ang layo lang ng gap, June 23 pa yung last post ko. Well anyway, prelims na next week. Hell week na simula ngayon nung monday pa pala ay mali, lagi naman pala. Parang feeling ko kasi everyday ang daming ginagawa. Nakakastress lang. At ano ko ngayon, nagbblog, ngffacebook, ngttwitter kahit sobrang daming gagawin. Pwede break muna? Hindi kasi effective sakin yung Kitkat. Ano daw? 


Yun lang naman update ko sa school. Gusto ko lang talaga maupdate tong blog ko, kawawa naman wala na ngang laman. Nagretreat kami last Sept 14-15 ata? Hindi ko sure. Sa Calaruega, Batangas. 

At eto na nga ang natutunan namin sa Retreat. HI SPOOKIES! Hahahaha. Ayoko na lang iexplain kung bakit spooky tawag namin sa isa't isa, baka madumihan ang tingin niyo sakin. Oh ayan, siguro naman clue na yan. Titigan niyo na lang ng mabuti yung ginagawa namin sa picture, para malaman niyo. Overnight lang yan, pero masaya talaga. Kahit nung simula hindi kami okay lahat dahil lang sa simpleng bagay, pero okay na naman nung gabi, kaya enjoy padin. Basta, sobrang saya ko nung retreat. :-) :-) 

Pwede secret na lang yung dahilan? Hihi. 

Oh so after nyan, wala na namang kakaibang nangyari. Plates padin naisip ko pagbalik namin dito sa Manila after retreat. Hay hay hay. :-( Pero masaya padin ako. Hihi. Tapos, excited na ko pumasok sa school kasi makikita ko na crush ko. Pero nabigo ako, hanggang ngayon hindi ko padin siya nakikita, minsan ko lang siya makita as in bihira lang talaga. Huhu. Yun na nga lang inspiration ko, nawawala pa.Pero overall summary, masaya ako. Promise. :-) Mas okay yung ganito, yung hindi kita iniintindi, iniisip at inaalala. Kasi nakakapagod din yung ganun eh. Mas nakakastress. Buti na lang, ako na yung gumawa ng paraan, buti natututo na ko maisip ang sarili ko ngayon. Dati kasi wala lang, tuloy lang ako ng tuloy. Lalo tuloy ako napapahamak, lalo ko lang nasasaktan sarili ko. At least, ngayon natututo na talaga ako. Ayoko na eh. Pwede magpahinga naman? Napapagod na ko kaka..Ewan ko! Tama ng lokohan sa buhay, seryoso na kong tao ngayon eh. Wala ng joke joke sakin. Wala kasing mapupuntahan yung ganun eh, naisip mo ba yun? O sadyang tanga ka lang talaga? O manhid ka lang siguro? O hindi mo lang naiisip yung pwede kong maramdaman sa ginagawa mo? O clueless ka lang sa nangyayari? O wala ka talagang alam? O wala naman pala talaga? 

Kaya nga minsan, iniisip ko, baka gawa gawa ko lang lahat, eto. Etong storya natin. Baka ako lang gumagawa, baka ineembento ko lang. Baka sinasaktan ko lang sarili ko. Pansin mo? Nakakabaliw yang ginagawa mo? Hindi naman ako nagagalit eh, gusto ko lang magkaron ka ng sariling desisyon sa buhay mo, gusto ko lang naman maggrow up ka, gusto ko lang naman maging maayos ka. Yun lang naman, yung hindi na lang lahat ng bagay pwede mo itago ng sayo lang, minsan kasi may mga taong nangangailangan ng sagot mo eh. Sana naiisip mo yun. Sana lang talaga. Kasi napagod na ko ng todo, sana alam mo yun. Pero sorry, natuto na talaga ako. Ngayon, alam ko na gagawin ko. Sana ganun ka din. 

"Will I ever know how it feels to hold you close? And have you tell me whichever road I choose you'll go"

Alligator tears cried over you, over you

Hell-o! Yes! It's june. Pasukan na! Yehey! So how was my first 3 weeks? Well, okay naman. Stress, kasi madami na din binibigay na plates, na ang submission next meeting. Hindi na kagaya ng dati na kahit next week na i-pass. Nakakapanibago lang, feeling ko seryoso na talaga to. 3rd year, junior year. 2 years na lang. Okay na! Malaya na ko! Hindi naman sa malaya, pero siyempre trabaho at tulong sa pamilya ang sunod na responsibility ko, lalo na ako lang ang nagiisa nilang unica ija. Di ba di ba. So mas mahirap at mabigat na responsibility din pala. So, wala ng joketime dito, lahat seryoso na. 


Anyway, ayoko muna isipin. Natatakot ako. Parang hindi pa ko masyadong prepared. So, first 3 weeks? Masaya pa din naman kahit madaming plates (drawing). Kasi, siyempre laging kasama classmates, and lagi ko nakakasama yung 2 kong kaibigan na lower batch sa school ko dati. Hihi. Nakakalaro ko sila ulit sa basketball. Basta, every week magkikita kita kami 2-3 times. Sabi ko nga magsama na kami sa iisang dorm. Pero feeling ko pag ganun nangyari, magkakalokohan lang kami everyday! Haha. Baka hindi kami makapagaral. Haha. Yun lang, basta. Masaya kasi sila kasama. Hihi


Ngayon, baumabagyo. Si Falcon na sumunod kay Egay. Malapit na ang lakas ni Falcon kay Ondoy. Nakakatakot. Sana hindi naman lumakas pa. Kawawa naman yung ibang lugar na binabaha talaga. Mahirap mawalan ng bagay at mga gamit. Then dapat kanina magsshoot kami for Freshman Welcome Walk! Kaya nga lang, umulan ng malakas, suspended na and hindi na din kami natuloy. Siguro by next week. Sana mablog ko yung pictures. Paalala niyo sakin, text niyo ko. 0927..


Talagang nagkwento pala ako ano? Haha. Eh wala naman kasi ako masasabi. Pero bakit nga ba ako ngblog ngayon? Eh kasi, para maupdate ko to, at ang tagal matapos ng Band Master. 3:03 AM na. Nagawa ko na Floor Pattern, pero hindi padin tapos magdownload. :( Gusto ko na kaya laruin. Huhu. So puro ako kwento, wala man lang akong sinabing update sa sarili ko. 


Zan, How are you?


I'm fine, thank you. No, actually no ata. Medyo, magulo this time eh. Hindi ko alam kung tama pa ba tong ginagawa ko? Itigil ko na lang kaya? Kailangan ko pa ba ipaalam? O parang wala na lang nangyari? 


"I won't scream in my head and let it isolate me. I won't be left dancing alone to songs from the past"

I get so..

I guess you could read what I've written in the photo. Yes, I get so jealous all the time. I don't have the right, I know that, you know that, everyone knows that. But i just can't resist this feeling I have every time you get involve.


So Jealous by Tegan and Sara 


I don't want to be part of the problem
I try so hard to get roughed up
Fists on up, it looks that easy
It looks that way to me
It looks that way to you

But then there's you telling me I can
Then there's you screaming say something

I want the ocean right now
I want the ocean right now
I get so jealous that I can't even work


There I am in the morning
I don't like what I see
I don't know how it's become such a problem
Keep you up all night if I try to remain calm

How can they ask why I feel so angry
Do you see my problem if I never explain it
But then there's you asking me how long
Say something, it's taken me so long


Well, I just discovered this beautiful band, Tegan and Sara from Rizza Cabrera. She made a cover of I know I know I know which is a beautiful song. Well, all of the song of Tegan and Sara are beautiful. Not just the rhythm and music, but the lyrics. It's like there's something in every stance and verse of the song. Every album has its different emotions, that you could feel. It tells different stories and faults in every relationship and life that sometimes we messed up and just break everything. But after while, there's hope and courage that would come and change everything. 


"But I have to get up and every morning it's a cleanup. All I need is time, time to love you." 

Blog Mood Pill: Check

So I guess I'm in the mood of writing and everything. I've been listening to Dashboard Confessional since 9pm. And it's 10:30pm already. Haha. Cause these songs are really. REALLY. Every line and phrase is really heart breaking. Strikes right through the middle of my chest, and kills me for a second. I'll give you a verse from a Dashboard Confessional song. 


"I'll wait until tomorrow.
Maybe you'll feel better then,
maybe we'll be better then.
So what's another day
when I can't bear these nights of thoughts of going on without you?
This mood of yours is temporary.
It seems worth the wait to see you smile again.
Out of the corner of your eye
won't be the only way you're looking at me then."


One of my favorite songs, from the album The Swiss Army Romance, the title is "Again I go Unnoticed". Try listening to it. You might as well get your heart broken. Hihi. Kiddin' I'm just an emotional kind of person, i think a lot and sometimes too much is not worth it. I think of a lot of things, people, future, past, you. Before I go to sleep, bored, every breath i take. Bla bla 


So what do you think with the verse? Maybe we'll be better then. I hope so. Are we okay? Are we not? Are we fine? Are we good? Are we happy? YES. That's the question, Are we happy? A capital of Y, E and S. So I guess, my friends are right, just go with the flow~ It seems worth the wait to see your smile again. But i heard from another song of DC, "What's the sense in waiting?". AGREE! What's the sense? You're not sure if there's still something left for you, just for you. Tell me, is there? Don't tell me there's nothing left for me, cause I've been waiting for almost a fuckin' year now. 


I've had enough of this for this day. Enough. But at least I'm happy. You're happy. No problemo amigo. 


"It's colder than it ought to be in March and I still got a day or two ahead of me till I'll be heading home, into your arms again."

Oh well

As you could see, I only post like every month only. That's how busy I am. Haha. I was kiddin'. No, the reason is, I only post here when I really feel bad and everything, you could read my previous entries, and you will understand. I know, no one reads my blog. I don't have enough followers and they're not active anymore, I guess. But I don't mind. So, now? No, I don't feel bad, I had fun today with my friends, my long time friends. Hihi. Its been 4 months since we had a chat and everything, I really missed them like I want to spend the whole night with them. Gahh but of course I can't. 


I'm fine, thank you.


Again, we've talked about something for the 100000th time. That again. And I asked them for some advices or what. What do people always tell me? "Just go with the flow" JSYK guys, I've been doing that ever since. For almost a year now. Hey you, could you just give me answers. Please? I really need it. Don't leave people hanging on your pathetic game. Oh, am i right? It's just a game. I know you're better than this.


See? I am fine. Really. #jk


"It's hard to believe that I would let myself get so wrapped in you.There's got to be something that would be worthwhile for me to give to you."

I Can Barely Breathe

Hello! Hi! Haha. Weird ko, sorry. Eto lagi pinakamahirap sa lahat, simula. Okay, so this day? Fine, pero boring at wala kong gustong gawin na kahit ano. Hindi ako nageenjoy kahit summer, nakakainis. Gusto ko lumayo, like travel or kahit ano. Pero hindi ko alam sa parents ko at relatives ko bakit sobrang busy na lang lagi sa kung ano anong bagay at trabaho nila. Ako lang ata adventurous dito, gusto ko lagi umaalis, gusto ko yung laging may nakikitang bago at nakakakilala ng mga bagong kaibigan. Masaya kasi yun eh, para sakin. Kaya kung may lakad ka, pwede mo ba ako isama sa iyong paglakbay? 

Okay na din, kasi nakakasama ko lagi ang mga magulang ko at mga kamag-anak ko. Pero sobra ko talaga namimiss yung iba naming relatives na nasa ibang bansa, sila pa namin ang mga close ko talaga sa pamilya na to. Malapit na din umuwi ang isa kong pinsan na mahigit 1 taon ko na din hindi nakikita, sana turuan niya ako magfrench. Haha! So anyway, malapit na Death Anniversary ng Lolo ko, at namimiss ko na din siyempre sya lalo na ang mga linyang kagaya nito "Nasaan nanaman ang p*tangin*ang remote na yan?" "Aba'y napakagaling naman ng apo ko" "Tsk! Ang apo ko talaga, ang galing galing" Sanay na kaming lahat kung gano siya kalupit magmura at kalakas sumigaw, pero okay lang kasi ganun talaga siya. Haha!

Ang ganda ng huling kantang narinig ko ngayon lang, "A day late (Acoustic) by Anberlin"

Tugmang tugma sa situation ko ngayon, sa nararamdaman ko, at sa mga nangyayaring bagay. Siguro'y ako lang ang nagsasabi na ganito ang situation pero hindi ko na alam sayo kung ano.

"So let me get this straight
You say now you loved me all along
What made you hesitate
To tell me with words what you really feel
I can see it in your eyes you mean all of what you say
I remember so long ago, see I felt that same way"

Eh kasi naman, sana katulad mo ako, na vocal sa lahat ng bagay. Yung sinasabi ko nararamdaman ko kung ayaw ko neto at ng ganito, o gusto ko ang bagay na ganito at eto. Yung sasabihin mo kung anong naiisip mo, nararamdaman mo, napapansin mo, lahat. Minsan naman mahirap talaga sabihin, pero parang nasobrahan ka naman na halos kawawa naman ang nabibiktima mo, iiwan mong clueless, iiwan mong nahihirapang magisip kung ano ba ang nangyayari. Mahirap yun, kung alam mo lang. Natatakot ka? Parte yan, pero ganun talaga. Sabi nga ng isa kong kaibigan, "Life's like that, like that"

"Only time will tell
Time will turn and tell

We are who we were when
Could've been lovers but at least you're still my day late friend"

Sabi nga lagi ng ibang tao, maghihintay hanggang kaya o hanggang kailan man. Pero para sakin, mahirap gawin yun. Hindi ko ata kakayanin ang kagaya ng ginagawa ng iba. Maraming masasakripisyo ng dahil sa ginagawa ko, madaming mawawala, madaming pwedeng magbago at madami pang pwedeng dumating na pagkakataon sa kung ano mang bagay sa aking buhay. Kung wala, maaari ko na lang gawin, tanggapin. Yun lang naman, hindi ko naman kailangan maghabol o lumuhod halos sa harapan mo at magmakaawa. 

Tama na, ako ang nahihirapan sa ginagawa mo. Pagbigyan mo ko, kahit isang araw lang. Sabihin mo lahat, makikinig ako at wala kang maririnig na kahit ano sakin.

"They're in the wrong place tryin' to make it right. But i'm tired of justifying"

You could be happy

Oh yes, definitely. Each and every one of us could be happy in many ways. Friends, things we do like hobbies or whatever and of course, love. But is it really enough? It's not just about the feeling or the satisfaction we get from these things, sometimes it just won't stay there like everything we have has its finish line. Nothing stays there forever, sometimes all we have to do is let it go. Yes, i know it's hard but that's what we always hear from them,  "You need time", "Let it go", "You'll be fine", and bla bla bla! So what's the point of this? I really don't know! Haha! That's just my WHATEVER INTRO! Whatver. #myfavoritewordfortoday


So yeah, i think i have taken my Blog Mood pills. Hihi. Kiddin'! I don't do pills of course, wait..Will tweet about that now. So done, Today is my last day from school! Oh yeah, so it's 1:16 am, so i think it was yesterday? Haha! Exams? Were okayyyyyyyyyy!? I think? I really hate math, who likes math? KILLMENOW. Cross fingers for my grades, that's the last thing i would worry about even though summer has started! :'( Let's not talk about grades. 


I know you're sad. And there's nothing i could do about it even though I'm dying to help you or talk to you or comfort you or whatever that would make you feel better. Really, just give me a chance to be your friend just for one day. And hey! Are we friends? Yeah? Just let me help you with this, i know with simple talks and sharing it would help you release those heavy feeling you have in there. Just let me lend you a hand and get you through with this. I tell you this, you could always tell me everything okay? 




"You've hit your low, you've lost control and you want it back. You may not believe me but I gave you all I had"

What's wrong?

But i can't wait here forever. And you always find a way to make me move. But don't make me wait tonight. So yes, I'm back! Hello HollyMollyKamoteBananaPineappleOrange! Hihi. So yeah? Updates? So where should i start?


Yesterday was a..BLAST! Had my 3rd celebration of my 18th birthday! Thank you guys! Especially my Mom and Dad who did everything just to make me happy. I'm so thankful I have someone like them who would always make me feel special and awesome! Oh well, they're awesome too! Haha! So many surprises, like someone gave me a 5 dozen roses,things that would be very useful to me, my favorite cake which is Tiramisu Meltdown and of course the AVP that Ate michi made. I'm so happy that I almost cry with the things i received. My relatives in Canada and States also greeted me in the AVP. I missed them so much, i wanna see them already. All of their messages really made me cry cause, now I realized how much they know me and love me. I can't imagine, that even though there are some people i loved that didn't loved me back, I'm still thankful that there are still people who loves me so much that i didn't even realize. I'm so..overwhelmed. I'm so stupid, i didn't realized that before. Thank you Lord! For everything. They ask me to wish for something when i was blowing my cake, but then i couldn't ask for more. Thank you, I'm so thankful Lord. I love you.


So there, what else? Me? Uhh, i think i'm okay. I'm happy. But there are still things, that are needed to be fixed. But of course I can't do it alone. That's why, yes. Please? Help me with this? Yes you. You know who you are. I really can't figure it out, what's the problem? Cause, i really don't have anything, against you. That was so last year, right? I've told you about it already, we've talked about it. I thought were good with that? But now what? I know there's something you're not telling me.So can we talk? So we can sort this out. I don't want others to be involved with this stupidity that were doing. I'm sorry, but i think this is really stupid. We don't have to do this, THIS. We could skip this part, and start again.


Again, I'm okay, i'm so done with that.. What's the problem? Tell me.




"So stay there cause i'll be coming over. And while our blood's still young it's so young, it runs and won't stop til it's over, won't stop to surrender."

Year-end blog

Kahit January 1,2011 na. Hindi na siya matatawag na year-end. Pero wag nga kayo, kanya kanya yan. Blog ko naman to. Wala rin namang rules dito. Haha. Okay, so ano? Ano bang meron sa year 2010? Sobrang daming katatawanan, kalungkutan at iba pa, na ang iba hindi ko na maalala. Pero may ilan, na talagang hindi mawawala sakin eh. Okay, ilalagay ko yung iba kong tweets dito, about 2010. Let's start with..


#2010memories Best Birthday celebration!


--Oo naman, present yung mga closest friends ko. Siyempre hindi mawawala yung surprise eh, yung may cake tapos binigyan nila ko ng cartolina na may malaking lettering ng Happy Birthday! :') Sorry, pero ganon kababaw kaligayahan ko eh.Then, thanks to my mom for the food that'll make you forget your name. Haha! Oa? Pero totoo. Hobby niya yun eh, and talent na din. There was no dull moment, presents are not important. Basta nandon sila, okay na ako. Simpleng kwentuhan at pinakamasayang part yung time na were taking pictures. Lahat nagtutulakan, na para bang may riot? Kaya yung pictures, lahat stolen. May time na akala ko serious na then, nung may flash na, nagtulakan na, tapos nadapa ako sa floor. Haha! Oh gahh. I miss them. So that's it.


#2010memories So long sweet summer.


--Yes, sweet summer. Yun lang. Hahah. Jk. Ewan ko? Sobrang paulit ulit na tong kwentong to, and sawang sawa na din ako sabihin at isipin. Sige, iseshare ko. That was last year, so wala na yon. Sakin, pag sinabi mong wala, hindi totoo. Sa una, pero pag pinanindigan ko na wala na talaga eh. Pag nagisip talaga ako ng todo, wala na talaga. Minsan natatawa pa ako, kasi narerealize ko stupid ako. So yun, ang layo ng inabot. Ganito ang kwento. Example. Yung kapitbahay niyo, may anak. Tapos, kababata mo pa. So sabay talaga kayo lumaki. So close na close sila. Hanggang sa pagtanda nila, naging barkada sila. Pero sa tagal tagal ng pinagsamahan nila. Hindi nila naisip na maging mag-boyfriend-girlfriend sila. Kasi barkada sila eh, hindi talaga nila maiisip yun. Matatabunan ng pagkakaibigan ang lahat. Hanggang sa isang araw, nagbiro yung babae sakanya, sabi niya sila na lang. Kahit pabiro lang. Yung lalaki na medyo magaling sumakay sa mga biro, pumayag naman. Tapos yun, nagbibiruan sila na sila. Kung ako yun, feeling ko napakastupid nung babae para maisip na gawin yon. Anyway, so yun. Hanggang tumagal, medyo bumigay yung babae sakanya. Siyempre babae yun, malambot ang puso non. Eto naman si lalaki, hindi maintindihan. Hindi mo maintindihan kung ano ba ang kanyang nararamdaman o masasabi dito. So sabi sa kwento, hanggang ngayon ganun padin. Hindi nagbago ang storya. The End. Naawa naman ako sa babae, kasi kung ako yun. Nakakabitin. Para akong nakasabit sa isang mataas na building. Hindi alam kung kakapit o ano. Wala, gawa gawa ko lang ang kwento, kasi sa pagkakaalam ko wala ng pakeelam yung babae. THE END.


#2010memories Wild and Gorgeous friends!


--Oo naman, sa dami ng bago kong nakilalang tao noong 2010. Hindi ko masabi kung kakakilala ko lang sakanila, kasi feeling ko sobrang tagal ko na silang kabigan. Yes naman. Pero totoo. Parang it "feels like forever". Labo. Haha. Pero ganon nga. Parang hindi lang kakakilala sakanila. Bakit wild? Sa aspeto na, pag kasama mo, may mga bagay na unusual tapos bigla na lang gagawin in-public. Magugulat ka na lang. Minsan ikakahiya mo na sila at sasabihing hindi sila kaibigan. Meron pa, wild kasi may mga panahong nagiging wild ang ugali nila, lalo na't nakainom o ano. Haha. Ako? Hindi naman ako ganon. Sakto lang. Natatapon lang ang tubig o ice tea sa shorts. Haha! Jk. Mabait ako. 2011 na, kailangan ng magbago para sa ikabubuti ng iba. Mahilig ako sa mga bagong kaibigan, minsan gusto ko na nga lang mag-hi o hello sa katabi ko sa bus o jeep. Gusto ko laging may bagong kaibigan at masaya kasi yung may mga bago kang nalalaman sa isang tao. Masarap yung feeling na may bago kang nakikilala na personalidad. May bago kang tutuklasin. 


#2010memories Love at first sight.


--Nakakatawa, oo. Haha. Noon talaga ewan. Hindi ko alam kung maniniwala ako sa linyang yan. Sikat yang linyang yan. Lahat alam. Pero wala akong ibang maisip na phrase para mapalitan yung "love". Hindi naman talagang nainlove ng todo todo. Bigla lang naman nahulog ang puso ko sayo. Haha. Jk. Crush lang. Nung una kasi, hindi ko masyado pinapansin. Tapos nung tumagal, naisip ko "Aba teka nga, medyo gwapo yun" Haha. Minsan kasi di ba? Sa una mong tingin gwapo/maganda. Pero pag tinitigan mo na, maiisip mo hindi naman pala. Pero siya iba. Sa una kong tingin, hindi. Yung para bang okay lang. Nung medyo tiningnan ko ng matagal. Medyo napaisip na ko. Nagkamali pala ako nung una. Wala namang pangit na tao sa mundong to. Lahat tayo ginawa ng pantay pantay. Pero kakaiba siya, medyo maganda ang pagkakahalo ng mga genes ng kanyang mga magulang. Oo, hanggang ngayon crush ko padin siya. Crush lang naman. Natutuwa kasi ako pag nakikita siya. Haha. Parang kinakabahan ako na pinagpapawisan. Ang dami kong sinabi, isa lang naman yun. "Kinikilig".


#2010memories More plates!


--Kung dati, mahigit ilang daan din ang mga ginagawa namin, siguro ngayong dadating na 2011, libo na! Haha. Oa, pero totoo. Nakakapagod, okay lang kasi alam ko maganda ang patutunguhan neto. Magandang kinabukasan siyempre, isang anak lang ako. Kaya ang gusto ko, sa hirap ng pagtatrabaho nila para lang mabili ang mga kailangan ko, sa tamang panahon, gusto ko suklian ang lahat. Ibigay ang lahat ng pangangailangan nila, kahit ano pang mga luho ang hilingin nila ibibigay ko. Basta kaya ko, Nararapat lang yun para sa kanila. Magulang ko sila, ilang taon nila ko pinalaki. Pagdating ng tamang taon at panahon kailangan suklian ang pagpapalaki nila sakin ng ayos. Feeling ko, and third year mas magiging challenging. Dahil mas mataas na level na to. Malapit ng matapos, kaya mas hahasain ang aming kakayahan at talento. Para maging mabuting tagapaglingkod sa kapwa at maging tulong sa mga batang gustong maging Interior Designer.


#2010memories Then there was you.


--Then, there was you. Wala. Hindi ko na napansin yung crush ko. Haha. Kasi natabunan mo. Nung una, crush lang. Tapos sobrang dinedeny ko talaga sa sarili ko na nangyayari to. Na hindi to pwede. Hindi pwedeng mangyari to. At ang mga naglalaro sa aking isipan ay mga imposibleng bagay. Na ang lahat ay parang pangarap lamang. Hindi ko talaga matanggap sa sarili ko na naramdaman ko yun para sayo. Oo, nung tumagal nahulog ako. Tapos ang hirap, kasi ako lang nakakaalam. Noong sinabi ko sa isa, medyo gumaan ang pakiramdam ko. Pero paano pa pag mismo sayo ko sinabi? Eh di sobrang okay na ko. Ewan? Hindi ko naman inaasahan na magiging maganda ang sagot mo. Minsan nga nakakatawa, gumagawa ako ng storya sa isip ko na paano kung ganito, ganyan. Haha. Parang gumagawa ng storya, ng libro, ng sariling kwento. Ganito naman ang mga artist hindi ba? Malawak ang imahinasyon. Oo, masarap talaga isipin, pero ang pagsabi lang sayo, sobrang hirap na parang isang math question. Bobo pa naman ako sa math. Sobra, para siyang isang tanong na alam mo naman ang sagot pero hindi mo masulat sa papel kasi natatakot ka na baka mali eto o tama. Parang mali hindi ba? Alam mo ang sagot pero hindi mo alam kung tama o mali. Sobrang sigurado ka,pero nagdadalawang isip ka. Natatakot sa pwedeng mangyari. Yun, yun lang naman yun. Natatakot sa pwedeng mangyari. Natatakot na baka maging kapalpakan ang lahat, natatakot na parang gusto mo na lang lumubog sa lupa, o natatakot na hindi magawang tanggapin. Sino ba naman ang hindi matakot sa pangyayaring yun? Ireject. Fuck you! Perpekto ka? Namimili? Choosy? Haha. Jk. Nagalit bigla. Pero paano ba pag ganito? May gusto ka sa isang tao? Kailangan ba sinasabi? O idaan sa pagpaparamdam? O wala lang. Ewan ko, kasi ako. Gusto ko, idadaan sa pagpaparamdam. Hanggang sa yun na, kasi alam mo yun. Baka mahimatay ako o ano pag sinasabi sakin. Nako, alam ko na yan. Third year pa lang, dahil hindi ako nakasagot sa sinabi niya,fail tuloy. Nakakakonsensya. Haha. Anyway, yun. Basta, para sa mga taong may minamahal at may nagmamahal. Wag niyo ng papabayaan. Minsan oo, mahirap panatiliin. Pero yun nga ang challenge ng buhay sa inyo. Para daw may thrill. Parang endurance game lang. Patagalan, hanggang sa maging forever. :') *Okay, corny ng part na yon.


Last but not the least, 


And yes, I'm ending this year with a heartbreak. #2010memories


--A heartbreak, pero okay lang sakin. I know how to get rid of this.. secret. Haha. Corny, pero oo, sino ba naman hindi masasaktan di ba? Pero ano? Kaya nga to nangyayari para matuto at hindi na ulitin pa. Yun lang naman yun, oo napatunayan ko na yan. Totoo nga. Haha! Lalo na dun sa..grabe, lahat ata natutunan ko sakanya. Hanep. TLS. Haha! Mangyayari talaga to sa buhay natin, milyong beses pa. Hindi lang isang beses sabi ni Lord. Eto ang plano niya satin, wala tayong magagawa. Hindi natin magagawang ipilit ang bagay na hindi naman. Totoo yun, pag hindi, hindi talaga. Pero kung siya talaga, kahit ano pa man, babalik at babalik yan eh. Kahit lumubog ka pa sa lupa, andyan pa din yan. Hindi maaalis sa sarili at puso natin. *Nye, corny nung part na yon. Marami pang panahon para sa pag-ibig. Hindi lang ang oras na to, ang araw na to, ang linggong to. Hanggang habang buhay to. Hanggang sa tumanda, meron yan at dadating yan. Lahat tayo pinagplanuhan ng katuwang sa buhay sa tamang panahon nga lang na kailangan hintayin. 


Yan ang summary ng lahat! Haha, kung may iba pa kayong gustong malaman, andyan ang cellphone, isang text lang ako, o ang facebook. Okay naman ako eh, wag kayong magalala. Kahit walang nagaalala. May kwento ako, pagkagising ko ng January 1, Wala, parang wala na akong naaalala pa sa taong 2010. Para bang, naiwan talaga lahat sa taong yon. Kung ano mga nangyari at naramdaman sa taong 2010, dun lang yon. Hindi mo mababago, maitatago at makakalimutan. Nangyari na nangyari. Kahit ano pang kahihiyan yun, nangyari na. Para akong browser, nirefresh! Hindi lang pala refresh, clear history din. Walang natira, kahit tuldok! Haha. Okay, so yun lang naman. Iwan na nating lahat ah? Magsimula tayong lahat. Hindi ibig sabihin kinalimutan ko ang kung ano man, ayoko na lang itong ibalik. Masyadong luma na, sisimulan ko ng bagong page. 




Hi, I'm Zan, and you're?




"I've got a different approach to dealing with emotion. Keeping control of my boat, while drifting on this ocean. Keeping my head to the sky, keeping tears out of my eyes."