Brand New

It's almost New Year's eve, and i still haven't started doing my school homeworks. I don't want the minutes or seconds to move, i don't want to waste any moment right now, and i just want to inhale everything right now that exist around and within me. I feel like nothing (no one) is left for me. I feel like i don't exist in the world where everyone else seems to be so happy and free. I keep on losing the light that was meant to be followed. 

I still remember that moment when i woke up feeling all so brand new and i've got nothing to worry about. That 1st day of the year 2012, the moment my eyes and my lungs started to breath some air, i remember myself sleeping into tears before that moment. It still tears me up inside just a little every now and then. The smell of my sheets every morning, the footsteps from the stairs, the smiles and laughs with so much beauty in it, i won't forget that. I will always remember you as you are right now to me, remember you now. 

It will always be a chapter of the book with a marker on top, so i won't forget and it will always remind me to remember every moment of it. Why am i even blogging right now if i can't even help myself to think and just write everything that happened to me this year. 

I guess i am still dying.

Heartless?

Why can't you be normal, why can't you be like everybody else. I know, and i do understand that we all are trying to be someone else, change is inevitable. Why are you so complicated in so many aspects in my life? I can't understand you sometimes, but seriously I'm trying. I want to help, i am fulfilling the role you gave me, what you wanted me to be and i respect that.

I get it, i get what you mean, what you want, or whatever you need to be truly happy, but what i don't get it is i think we are all temporary to you. Yes, i am affected, i am part of your life as well, though i am just your friend or whatever level of friendship we have, i am your friend who was with you the whole time. Why can't we be enough. Why can't we all just be happy. One day you will see, that everything in this world has a reason or meaning to our life. You can't just throw it all away like a piece of paper. Were not disposable, we need to be remembered, loved and valued even in the simplest way. 

Learn how to appreciate the things you have in front of you, or you might lose it in time. You need to stop dreaming and it's time to face reality. We are being used and misguided sometimes, all we have to do is be sensible enough. Nothing is permanent, finding consistency and truth can be hard but all i could say is that, you have the freedom to choose who you want to be with and who you wan't to be. There's nothing to worry, cause i would still be your friend.

Get out of that corner, and stop being so terrified with everything. *pats on the back

Untitled

I fell into
a sea of
blankets
hoping I
would drown

instead I
was met
with your
lingering
scent

so I held
my breath
and suffocated
instead 

(c) thesmudgesofmysoul

Sad

Sometimes i get so sad

So sad that I
completely shut down

I stare blankly at the wall
And it doesn't matter what 
you say to me
Because in that moment
I don't exist.

(c) nyctophillia

To build a home

I don't even know how to start this entry, i would say that the first part or the introduction of any writing will always be the hardest part, and the ending would be the best part. 

Weeks ago, my eyes can't help but to burst into tears and my lungs started to breathe in and out smoothly when i finally looked into reality and face the truth. A strike of pain in my heart and opens it up freely from the truth that was gained. I can't seem to live the next day. I finally let go of my hand holding on to the frail cliff and crashed into the cold waters rushing through the sand and stones. I was blinded by the truth and fear. I was voiceless from the sweetest thoughts of yesterday. I can't hear the sadness and happiness of life. All i know is that it doesn't exist not only within my mind, but in my heart as well. It was pierced deeply that i couldn't obliterate or i might as well die knowing that loving a human being could be as hard and daunting as dying.

Too much love has given, but a different side of love was returned. It was all but a confusion and soreness. Save me from the hole of your confusion and madness in life. The mess and wild thoughts of yours, get it all together. 

I held on as tightly as you held onto me. Cause I built a home for you, for me. Until it dissappeared from me, from you. 

It's not a silly moment

Too much drama,sadness and complicated thoughts written in this blog, are you getting tired of it? Oh no, don't ask me. I've been through it for the last fucking years and it won't go away. I just feel like, whenever there's something good that's about to happen or that moment when i think i found what I'm looking for, in a blink of an eye it was all gone. I can't think of any reason why does it have to be taken away from me? Like i don't deserve it. I am not good for anyone, no one. That's just how I see myself and it breaks every piece of my heart. Yes, it breaks my heart every single time. 

So i might as well change, no not change.. I'm gonna make everything better, put it on the right place, take chances, stop wishing, i need to trust myself more than the others, bury everything that almost killed me and just keep believing on what everything that life has got to offer me. Nothing in life is as easy as we think it is so I should not be looking back at the steps that i made, i need to look forward and face everything and in the end, i will keep on looking up to look for better reasons and answers. 

That is basically my introduction..LOL i was kidding. Last night, i said to myself "Here we go again,i must and should not do this again". I am being trapped again with the ways of my thinking and imagination. I can't blame that person, but it would be you though. You just keep on running through my every second of thought and beating of my heart and i guess i have never burned that page of ours. Does it exist in there? Maybe it is, or it could be but it never started, because you lack the will and trust within yourself. I myself, know for sure that i am not lying to myself. My heart skips every time you blink your eye, you finish a sentence, you speak, you wrapped your warm tiny hands and arms around me. It's flawless and breathless everytime i see you from a far. The feeling that.....that moment gives me, i just can't help myself but to replay it on my mind. It makes my heart come out from my chest and just burst into tears of joy. There are just too many things to describe of what I'm feeling, but it is something indescribable. You are indescribably beautiful and lovely for some reason, you're making me fall for you quite so hard. My body is taking all the gravity from falling too hard from the ground. Let me be permanent and existent in your atmosphere, cause i might not find another you. 


I'm gonna steer clear, I’d burn up in your atmosphere, I'm gonna steer clear. Cause I'd die if I saw you , I'd die if I didn't see you there.

That's just the way it is

Too many cups of caffeine and a bunch of nicotine butts took my head away from reality, from what is right and what is wrong, from fake shadows, from low self-esteem and self-reliant human beings. Strange a lot, too strange for me to think of some concepts, thoughts and bullshit ideas every mornings and sunsets. I spend too much time thinking about stupid crap and mess that everyone is making to pull me down an inch each day. They can't do that, they're insane and it hurts. It hurts more than you could think of.

It's gonna be hard to believe, but i don't consider someone that easy as my friend (Sorry for being too harsh but that's just the way i am, deal with it my friend). Yes, i could say you're my friend, but you see it would take a lot of time to know someone. Time could pass by, then that's the only time you could find someone who is reliable, trustworthy and someone who's gonna give the last piece of chocolate just for you to have it. I am just too honest to say this. But yes, it's true. I don't want to hurt or disappoint anyone, i was just asked by my conscience to tell the truth. 

Again, that's just the way it is. You can't do anything about it  and just respect what i think and what i do. You can't control me, or tell me what i have to do. We all have our own ways, all you have to do is to deal with it. I don't think it's that hard for you? Try to understand of what of I feel and what I think, it's not always gonna be you, you and you, and all of you. I am a human being and i have a heart. I am not that someone you are thinking, and then again a million of people have said this but you can't really please everybody. 

Sorry but I don't really give a fuck of what you think or what you care. 

Pour a little more

It was late in the afternoon, i stood up from where i was sitting, woke up from the dream i was dreaming for the last few weeks, stood up from the ground, i took a glance at the sunset and i started walking to get a pack of black and green small boxes at the corner of the street.

I was trying to feel my heartbeat, my small warm breathes coming from my mouth and the small crystals forming at the edge of my eyes. I don't know what to do, i don't know what to feel, i don't even know what to write and i don't--
i just don't know are the only words i could spell in my mind. Sometimes i lost myself completely. Again, back to what i was saying..i sat on the bench, looked up and i was wondering if there could be a star out there that is shining so bright, brighter than you sitting at the corner of my dark and dull room. As i was trying to breathe in the mint and cold air from the folded roll of paper that is longer than two inches, my mind is poisoned by selfishness and small thoughts from you, these words are the only words that is screaming out from my mind, but why not from my heart?

I have found all the thousand pieces of the puzzle underneath my pillow, i have tried to put it all back together, but i suddenly asked myself with where is the color on this puzzle? Why did it all turned into a black and white picture? Why does it look like a blurry memory that was apart from me? Why can't i feel the distance and closeness of myself to everyone who is trying to exist around me? Why can't it all go away, and sail to the other side? Why am i sad? What is fear?
Why am i troubled with the feeling of emptiness that exist in me? Why did it all go wrong? Why does it have to be something i don't want to be? Why does everything have to be why? Why do you have to be like this? Why?

My warm cold feet marks down the floor as i walked into the kitchen, took a shot glass from the shelf, stole my mom's bottle of tequila, licked some salt on my hand, took the glass on the other hand, gulp and gulp, sipped the lime and wished that it would it all go away for a minute i was about to burn. 


Setting fire to our insides for fun, to distract our hearts from ever missing them.
But I'm forever missing him.

It will, and will always be you

Still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
Still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
Still a little hard to say what's going on


I took a glance, i took a breath, i took a little bit of you out from my chest and i still don't understand myself. Each day, i can't deny to myself, to everyone that it will always be the same person behind my unseen smile and imperceptible tears. I can't skip the page where i've written everything about you, and how i described every beat of my heart. I never thought it exists in my veins and though it can't be seen it is existent within me. It grows and nurtures every tiny cell in my body. It took a lot of time in my life to finally find what i'm looking for, it was so easy to call it love.

I have seen everything from you, i have felt so real, it was all safe but in this world that we live in nothing really lasts. Everyday you step a little closer to me, still i can't see what's going on. I don't and canher't count the days wherein you have taken every feeling and emotion from me, and all of sudden out of curiosity and abundant need of something in return it was all gone the millisecond you have to breathe in for air. I can't go back to that moment that was meant to happen.

It was all a matter of time,when i have finally realized that there will always be a part of you that i can't take away from me. I can't just rip you off out of my chest. A stain on the low right corner of my beating heart, it would always be there eternally. Love might again  exist in a few years, but it can't replace the stain that has been there since forever. I will always be in there standing where in you pretend to exist. 

I will, and will always carry it upon my hands and living heart.

 

This is supposed to be on Tumblr

These questions are meant to be asked to a user on Tumblr, but yes I've got nothing to do so why not do this here? LOL


 1: Picture of yourself  

Look down there on my About Me. Too lazy to upload a new one.

2: Are you a monogamous person or do you believe in open-ended relationships? 

I will answer this with a simple sentence. Nothing last.

3: Have you ever been dumped?

I am a girl, and to be honest yes. I've been friend-zoned. LOL

4: What do you most like about making out?

The feeling of feeling the body and heat of your significant other.

5: Have you ever casually made out with someone who you weren’t seriously involved with?

No.

6: When you kiss someone for the first time, is it usually you who initiates it or the other?

Depends. 
 
7: What part of a person’s body do you find most attractive?

Eyes, skin and shoulders.

8: Who was the last person you talked to last night before you went to bed?

Classmate.

9: Had sex with someone you knew less than an hour?
 
No.

10: Had sex with someone you didn’t know their name? 

No.


11: What makes your heart flutter and brings a big cheesy smile to your face?

That moment when that person is being honest with you.


12: Would you get involved with someone if they had a child already? 

Uhh..no.


13: Has someone who had a crush on you ever confessed to you? 

Yes.

14: Do you tell a lot of people when you have a crush? 

YES! YESSS!

15: Do you miss your last sweetie?

In time i think my answer would be yes, but as of now please give me a break.

16: Last time you slow danced with someone?

Years ago.

17: Have you ever ‘dated’ someone you’ve never met?

LOL YES.

18: How can I win your heart?

Just be true with anything and be honest with what your feeling and to yourself too.

19: What is your astrological sign? 

Aquarius.

20: What were you doing last night at 12 AM?

Over thinking about thesis, and praying.

21: Do you cook? 

A bit, yes.

22: Have you ever gotten back in touch with an old flame after a time of more than 3 months of no communication? 

Yes.

23: If you’re single right now, do you wish you were in a relationship? 

No. Everything takes time and a lot of maturity.

24: Do you prefer to date various people or do you pretty much fall into monogamous relationships quickly? 

It's more of infatuation towards a lot of people, but in the end i would say i could only love one person.

25: What physical traits do you look for in a potential interest?

Athletic body, nice hair, broad shoulders.

26: Name four things that you wish you had: 

Money (lol), a cat, another set of longboard

27: Are you a player? 

No.

28: Have you ever kissed 2 people in one day? 

No.

29: Are you a tease? 

Yes, sometimes. 

30: Ever meet anyone you met on Tumblr? 

It's so sad to think that they're like million miles away. I live half across the world from them.

31: Have you ever been deeply in love with someone?

Yes.

32: Anybody on Tumblr that you’d go on a date with? 

That's a question mark.

33: Hugs or Kisses? 

Kisses.

34: Are you too shy to ask someone out? 

Not an appropriate question for a girl.

35: The first thing you notice about the opposite sex? 

Eyes.

36: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you babe?

Yes, babe.

37: . If a sexy person was pursuing you, but you knew he/she was in relationship, would you go for it? 

No.

38: Do you flirt a lot? 

No.

39: Your last kiss? 

-

40: Have you kissed more than 5 people since the start of 2011? 

-
 
41: Have you kissed anyone in the past month? 

No.

42: If you could kiss anyone who would it be? 

-

43: Do you know who you’ll kiss next? 

No.

44: Does someone like you currently? 

That would be another question mark.

45: Do you currently have feelings for anyone? 

Not anymore.

46: Do you like to be in serious relationships or just flings? 

Serious, seriously.

47: Ever made out with just a friend? 

No.

48: Are you happier single or in a relationship? 

-

49: Your own question that you want me to answer. Just write it. 

What do you call the people who doesn't know what they're doing?

Lost in pages

I believe in fate. I believed in every word you whispered and every smile you flickered. My dear what is this that you do to me? Is this a trap? For so long i never knew how does love completes a human being, how it turns your insides, and how it consumes your mind. You filled the cup with so much of you, and it pours. Nothing is left for me. The flower it blooms and grows, but the scent doesn't stay for too long. Nothing really lasts. A love was lost. The moment i found myself, you were lost.

I have loved you.

No scent at all

I was staring at the blank ceiling, wondering why it's so plain and dull. These walls that have known me for so long has no life, but it has been understanding and patient. Something may not be right, but for so long I've been chasing a butterfly which is very odd and peculiar and now all i see is fog. Everyday I've been seeing dawn at daylight, I've been picking roses from desert, I've been chasing happiness on the other side, and I've been setting aside the loneliness and emptiness that I'm keeping. 

What is it left to hear? What is it left to see? What is it left to feel? I couldn't say a word. I couldn't think of a memory. But what is it left for me, dear? Have i gone too far enough? Have i been holding on from something you couldn't give? Have I fallen out of love? What is it on your mind i couldn't perceive and comprehend? Have I kept it for so long and was gone after each beat that i feel in my living heart? I just couldn't step on the surface of the ground, save me from this floating thick air. 

I am breaking down every millisecond of the moment, everything is elusive. I would be gone, finding myself from this subtle smile. 

The flower blooms and grows, but the scent doesn't stay for too long. Nothing last.

How to save a life

My chest
As if 
In love, 
Pounds

My head - 
Light, yet full 
With headlights, 
Acclimatises

I was caught 
Crossing 
The street.
The chance 
I took 
In change
Hooked me 
Through the cheek

Now
My heart
As if in love, aches 
In the absence 
Of breath

by Loqui

I have written some words, phrases and sentences. But i just can't complete the thought and idea with what i'm writing. No one could help me, but myself alone. I needed time to comprehend and put the pieces back together. I need to collect and restore my thoughts, emotions and everything that completes myself. But i just can't... Time is the only friend i have right now.

I am lost.

Where did i go wrong, I lost a friend somewhere along in the bitterness.

The world is our playground, and we will always be home

7 hours have passed, and still i'm still stuck with myself holding back unto something that is very dense as of the moment. But the feeling, or the emotion i have right now is clearer than crystals. 

What about you? What might have you been thinking? What could you be feeling? What is it that is in your heart? What is it that tells you to wake up in the morning and end the day smiling? What? *Sorry but i just have to admit that i sound so...cheesy. LOL 

I'm trying to post here as quickly as possible, short thoughts, and nope this is not random. Yes blog, you know who it is. The only one ever since.

You're my sunshine, my occasional rain.

Ask and Tell

I am being stupid again. What am I doing? Am I doing it wrong? What do i have to do? Everything seems to be unfair, I needed something you can't give. There, I've said it. What do you think you should do? I am blaming you for being like this, for being "you". 

Maybe all I have, I, yes me. All I have to do is ask, and again i would be hoping you would tell me what it is that you do to me.

I need you so much closer.

Words I can't even fathom

Everything just happens all of a sudden, you were doing it again. You're being unpredictable again. You're giving me hope all over again. You're giving me a reason to stay and to hold on to something you can't even say or comprehend.  

Again, just again. I could say that waiting would take a lot of courage and time, but that's all i could do for now. It could take months or years, but everyday it grows fonder and existent. Thinking twice is not enough, time is the only thing that could help us right now. 

I lay down and think of it, that maybe it could be nothing but that's being stupid. Cause i know down there, it's something you can't just easily get rid of and throw away. It is something you can keep. Our love was comfortable. 


Please know, that I am yours to keep.

Sea

...everything from me.

As i try to feel how that sand and these small stones could be so warm in a place like this. I could feel the frosty water down on my toes and legs. I started to spread my arms thoroughly through the bed of sand, i could finally feel it, how the water carries me through the sea. I can't see the rays of the sun, as it hides through the giant clouds. Warmth is all there is.

How the waters changes color when it gets deeper and deeper. How it makes the sound louder than the rain, how it looks so perfect even if my eyes are closed, how it brings serenity in my soul, how it crashes every sadness and emotion going through my mind, how it washes my messed up life, how it could be still after the storm, how it could be everything to me. It steals everything away from me.

Venice

Do you believe in dreams? Do you think it's possible for it to happen? Some say that maybe you just think of that specific person or situation too much,  that's why it happened in dreams. It could be clever too, sometimes. Your mind and body knows that you were not thinking about it, then the dream comes, and in the morning you would realize you were thinking about it the whole night. Playful mind huh?

But for me, yes i could be guilty in the morning that i do think about these things and specific people at night before i go to sleep. My mind unconsciously think about you and in the morning being guilty could kill me. I was screaming to myself the words "Why and What the fuck just happened" when i woke up. I really fcking didn't expect that to happen, so soon. Like i am not supposed to feel and think that way. In every angle you look at it, it was a mistake. I'm not saying you are a mistake, but the time is...

and in the end of everything, all i could think of are the questions of "Are you? and Will you?" 

Why don't we all fall in love? Why don't we?

Late night conversations

*ring ring ring...ring ring ring

"Hello, still up?"
"Yes" in a husky voice
"You want to sleep?"
"No, i wanna talk."

I used to love those late night conversations until the morning rises. Those never ending stories about nothing but means so much without any reason. All those deadly laughs every day that is worthy to remember. Every little jokes. Every single moment that includes you.

But with all the moments compressed and forgotten, there's only one scene that keeps on playing in my head, not every second but it's like it was meant for me to remember it and i guess the weather made me thought about it. This thought is like a train passing by to me randomly. 

In that very moment, that very second i was lying down, you were rolling over the sheets...

Late night thoughts

*insert some Bob marley song here "Is This Love"

Do you think this is a good start for my blog? I think so, or maybe it was just a coincidence that i am listening to it right now. Yes, i am serious. Swaying over my head, typing these letters, eyes are half-closed, singing "is this love, is this love that I'm feeling" and in the end i have thought about you.

Now, before starting everything i have thought about something you said to me before, that you read my blog sometimes, so you know my blog. But i don't know if you still read it until now, or maybe you were just too busy with your books. Does it sound like I'm worried? Yes, because this is about you. Don't get too excited or what that i do think about you every sec, you were like a random thought every 2 or 3 in the morning. Weird huh? I have no idea why? I'm done figuring it out before, but i think i'm not yet on a hundred percent done with it. I'm in the stage of confusion and figuring it out. So you better think about that. lol It's as if you know that i am talking about you. You can mean everyone, even my neighbor, my dog or whatever. So don't expect too much, or don't assume that it is you. This issue or whatever you can call it, maybe a part/memory/story from my life happened like years ago. It doesn't have anything to do with what i have right now. No i am not sharing any details about it. 

And suddenly i sound so mean or something similar to that. As what I've promised myself before this blog will serve as my diary or my imaginary friend, something that i could talk to without any hesitations or what. So i think what i said up there sounds like I'm talking to you, enough with the you's. You can be the cat and i can be the dog,with all the differences and such friendship knows no limits. 

i am the dog left in the middle of the street

Anywhere but here

I woke up in the right side of the bed, i snuggle more into the sheets and the breeze of the morning touches my skin it makes me feel safe and warm. This is the day I've been waiting for weeks and forever. I can't feel my toes from the cold and my hands are shaky. The door was opened, so i walk through it seeing you smiling right back at me. The way your skin form into beauty and those perfect crystal clear eyes washes every stain in my body. I've always wanted to see that perfection every time the sun rises to the east and sets to the west. I smell the fresh brewed coffee and some toasted bread topped with unsalted butter on the table, we sat, i stare right back at you like there's no tomorrow. We didn't want to waste the time to utter words and get lost in the middle, instead the time freezes every millisecond we moved. 


Munch, munch, munch, all i do is munch and looked through the lines of the table made of oak wood. My skin was right in front of you, you smile and close your eyes, i want to utter these words I've always kept in me but i just can't, maybe because i can't help myself but to eat. 


Took a shower and left all the plates and cups on the sink, it don't matter. You grabbed the keys, i grabbed the bags. I took out the map and started looking where were heading. Still no words were uttered, all i hear is the car machine being pumped by the gasoline, the whistling air, and the tires screeching from the road. I opened the window to breath some fresh air, i see the sun hiding from the cliffs and clouds stretched out through the sky, come and see us shine so bright. The road was long enough that i fell asleep. 
As i opened my eyes, i smell the cold salty ocean, i hear the mad waves crashing through the huge rocks and cliffs, i saw you staring at me probably the whole time i was sleeping. Still i can't utter the words. I pull up the seat, took off the seat belt, started stretching my arms and body and as i stepped through the thin wavy grass, i smiled. 

All I could think of right now is to stand right next to you. I walked right beside you as you were watching how the waves calmed your rushing blood and circling thoughts. I know how you feel, how you want to take a deep dive to wash away all the worries and hate that distresses you. Let it go, let it fly through the air and beyond the earth, you are free all along don't let it bother you. Silence killed us right through and suddenly the words were uttered.


"Did you find what your looking for?"
"Yes I think, I did."
"Tell me."
"Anywhere but here with you is all I want."
"It took years, why?"
"We don't need to hurry, we've got all the years..."
"I know, for us to share"


You dragged me down to the sea, feeling the waves kicking in me as you arms  surrounds my empty space, don't be gone dear or the waves might dragged me down to the broken ground. As we lay down to the black shoreline sands, i wiped you clean with dirty hands. We'll soak ourselves forever in this boiling space, we'll leave it all down here, we'll be long gone through the sky and suddenly i fell through the thick air....I was dreaming, lying down on the right side of the bed, it was morning, the coffee, the bread, the table and the bags.


It all happened. 

Re: Stacks

If you have read my last entry here, i did not use period on my last sentence, well it's an incomplete sentence. Because I do not know if I would end the sentence already or I still have something to say, or do I  have to take back what I said cause I am not sure with what am I saying, with these words that are coming out from my mouth and eating my insides. It's just a set of figures and symbols but you can't feel anything in there, nothing to make it real. It's empty in every way, so to give more clarity and to end the sentence...


...you and I it's not really worth it but I am fool enough to blame everything at you and to just throw it all away somewhere that you can't take it back and in someway it's part of me too. This is the decision I've made, this is what I think is good and this is what I think is right. Does it sound like I am not sure about it? I'll admit, yes but that's the plan, time will help me make this decision I've made happen, I will make this, us happen. Morning will come, days will grow longer, weeks and years will fade, and your still there then that's the time i could say hope is still alive. That there's something to hold unto. There's a time when i could say that it's love I have found, love in the nick of time. 


Your love will be, safe with me.