Too much drama,sadness and complicated thoughts written in this blog, are you getting tired of it? Oh no, don't ask me. I've been through it for the last fucking years and it won't go away. I just feel like, whenever there's something good that's about to happen or that moment when i think i found what I'm looking for, in a blink of an eye it was all gone. I can't think of any reason why does it have to be taken away from me? Like i don't deserve it. I am not good for anyone, no one. That's just how I see myself and it breaks every piece of my heart. Yes, it breaks my heart every single time.
So i might as well change, no not change.. I'm gonna make everything better, put it on the right place, take chances, stop wishing, i need to trust myself more than the others, bury everything that almost killed me and just keep believing on what everything that life has got to offer me. Nothing in life is as easy as we think it is so I should not be looking back at the steps that i made, i need to look forward and face everything and in the end, i will keep on looking up to look for better reasons and answers.
That is basically my introduction..LOL i was kidding. Last night, i said to myself "Here we go again,i must and should not do this again". I am being trapped again with the ways of my thinking and imagination. I can't blame that person, but it would be you though. You just keep on running through my every second of thought and beating of my heart and i guess i have never burned that page of ours. Does it exist in there? Maybe it is, or it could be but it never started, because you lack the will and trust within yourself. I myself, know for sure that i am not lying to myself. My heart skips every time you blink your eye, you finish a sentence, you speak, you wrapped your warm tiny hands and arms around me. It's flawless and breathless everytime i see you from a far. The feeling that.....that moment gives me, i just can't help myself but to replay it on my mind. It makes my heart come out from my chest and just burst into tears of joy. There are just too many things to describe of what I'm feeling, but it is something indescribable. You are indescribably beautiful and lovely for some reason, you're making me fall for you quite so hard. My body is taking all the gravity from falling too hard from the ground. Let me be permanent and existent in your atmosphere, cause i might not find another you.
I'm gonna steer clear, I’d burn up in your atmosphere, I'm gonna steer clear. Cause I'd die if I saw you
, I'd die if I didn't see you there.
Saturday, October 27, 2012
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
That's just the way it is
Too many cups of caffeine and a bunch of nicotine butts took my head away from reality, from what is right and what is wrong, from fake shadows, from low self-esteem and self-reliant human beings. Strange a lot, too strange for me to think of some concepts, thoughts and bullshit ideas every mornings and sunsets. I spend too much time thinking about stupid crap and mess that everyone is making to pull me down an inch each day. They can't do that, they're insane and it hurts. It hurts more than you could think of.
It's gonna be hard to believe, but i don't consider someone that easy as my friend (Sorry for being too harsh but that's just the way i am, deal with it my friend). Yes, i could say you're my friend, but you see it would take a lot of time to know someone. Time could pass by, then that's the only time you could find someone who is reliable, trustworthy and someone who's gonna give the last piece of chocolate just for you to have it. I am just too honest to say this. But yes, it's true. I don't want to hurt or disappoint anyone, i was just asked by my conscience to tell the truth.
Again, that's just the way it is. You can't do anything about it and just respect what i think and what i do. You can't control me, or tell me what i have to do. We all have our own ways, all you have to do is to deal with it. I don't think it's that hard for you? Try to understand of what of I feel and what I think, it's not always gonna be you, you and you, and all of you. I am a human being and i have a heart. I am not that someone you are thinking, and then again a million of people have said this but you can't really please everybody.
Sorry but I don't really give a fuck of what you think or what you care.
It's gonna be hard to believe, but i don't consider someone that easy as my friend (Sorry for being too harsh but that's just the way i am, deal with it my friend). Yes, i could say you're my friend, but you see it would take a lot of time to know someone. Time could pass by, then that's the only time you could find someone who is reliable, trustworthy and someone who's gonna give the last piece of chocolate just for you to have it. I am just too honest to say this. But yes, it's true. I don't want to hurt or disappoint anyone, i was just asked by my conscience to tell the truth.
Again, that's just the way it is. You can't do anything about it and just respect what i think and what i do. You can't control me, or tell me what i have to do. We all have our own ways, all you have to do is to deal with it. I don't think it's that hard for you? Try to understand of what of I feel and what I think, it's not always gonna be you, you and you, and all of you. I am a human being and i have a heart. I am not that someone you are thinking, and then again a million of people have said this but you can't really please everybody.
Sorry but I don't really give a fuck of what you think or what you care.
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Pour a little more
It was late in the afternoon, i stood up from where i was sitting, woke up from the dream i was dreaming for the last few weeks, stood up from the ground, i took a glance at the sunset and i started walking to get a pack of black and green small boxes at the corner of the street.
I was trying to feel my heartbeat, my small warm breathes coming from my mouth and the small crystals forming at the edge of my eyes. I don't know what to do, i don't know what to feel, i don't even know what to write and i don't--
i just don't know are the only words i could spell in my mind. Sometimes i lost myself completely. Again, back to what i was saying..i sat on the bench, looked up and i was wondering if there could be a star out there that is shining so bright, brighter than you sitting at the corner of my dark and dull room. As i was trying to breathe in the mint and cold air from the folded roll of paper that is longer than two inches, my mind is poisoned by selfishness and small thoughts from you, these words are the only words that is screaming out from my mind, but why not from my heart?
I have found all the thousand pieces of the puzzle underneath my pillow, i have tried to put it all back together, but i suddenly asked myself with where is the color on this puzzle? Why did it all turned into a black and white picture? Why does it look like a blurry memory that was apart from me? Why can't i feel the distance and closeness of myself to everyone who is trying to exist around me? Why can't it all go away, and sail to the other side? Why am i sad? What is fear?
Why am i troubled with the feeling of emptiness that exist in me? Why did it all go wrong? Why does it have to be something i don't want to be? Why does everything have to be why? Why do you have to be like this? Why?
My warm cold feet marks down the floor as i walked into the kitchen, took a shot glass from the shelf, stole my mom's bottle of tequila, licked some salt on my hand, took the glass on the other hand, gulp and gulp, sipped the lime and wished that it would it all go away for a minute i was about to burn.
Setting fire to our insides for fun, to distract our hearts from ever missing them.
But I'm forever missing him.
I was trying to feel my heartbeat, my small warm breathes coming from my mouth and the small crystals forming at the edge of my eyes. I don't know what to do, i don't know what to feel, i don't even know what to write and i don't--
i just don't know are the only words i could spell in my mind. Sometimes i lost myself completely. Again, back to what i was saying..i sat on the bench, looked up and i was wondering if there could be a star out there that is shining so bright, brighter than you sitting at the corner of my dark and dull room. As i was trying to breathe in the mint and cold air from the folded roll of paper that is longer than two inches, my mind is poisoned by selfishness and small thoughts from you, these words are the only words that is screaming out from my mind, but why not from my heart?
I have found all the thousand pieces of the puzzle underneath my pillow, i have tried to put it all back together, but i suddenly asked myself with where is the color on this puzzle? Why did it all turned into a black and white picture? Why does it look like a blurry memory that was apart from me? Why can't i feel the distance and closeness of myself to everyone who is trying to exist around me? Why can't it all go away, and sail to the other side? Why am i sad? What is fear?
Why am i troubled with the feeling of emptiness that exist in me? Why did it all go wrong? Why does it have to be something i don't want to be? Why does everything have to be why? Why do you have to be like this? Why?
My warm cold feet marks down the floor as i walked into the kitchen, took a shot glass from the shelf, stole my mom's bottle of tequila, licked some salt on my hand, took the glass on the other hand, gulp and gulp, sipped the lime and wished that it would it all go away for a minute i was about to burn.
Setting fire to our insides for fun, to distract our hearts from ever missing them.
But I'm forever missing him.
Sunday, October 14, 2012
It will, and will always be you
Still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
Still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
Still a little hard to say what's going on
I took a glance, i took a breath, i took a little bit of you out from my chest and i still don't understand myself. Each day, i can't deny to myself, to everyone that it will always be the same person behind my unseen smile and imperceptible tears. I can't skip the page where i've written everything about you, and how i described every beat of my heart. I never thought it exists in my veins and though it can't be seen it is existent within me. It grows and nurtures every tiny cell in my body. It took a lot of time in my life to finally find what i'm looking for, it was so easy to call it love.
I have seen everything from you, i have felt so real, it was all safe but in this world that we live in nothing really lasts. Everyday you step a little closer to me, still i can't see what's going on. I don't and canher't count the days wherein you have taken every feeling and emotion from me, and all of sudden out of curiosity and abundant need of something in return it was all gone the millisecond you have to breathe in for air. I can't go back to that moment that was meant to happen.
It was all a matter of time,when i have finally realized that there will always be a part of you that i can't take away from me. I can't just rip you off out of my chest. A stain on the low right corner of my beating heart, it would always be there eternally. Love might again exist in a few years, but it can't replace the stain that has been there since forever. I will always be in there standing where in you pretend to exist.
I will, and will always carry it upon my hands and living heart.
Still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
Still a little hard to say what's going on
I took a glance, i took a breath, i took a little bit of you out from my chest and i still don't understand myself. Each day, i can't deny to myself, to everyone that it will always be the same person behind my unseen smile and imperceptible tears. I can't skip the page where i've written everything about you, and how i described every beat of my heart. I never thought it exists in my veins and though it can't be seen it is existent within me. It grows and nurtures every tiny cell in my body. It took a lot of time in my life to finally find what i'm looking for, it was so easy to call it love.
I have seen everything from you, i have felt so real, it was all safe but in this world that we live in nothing really lasts. Everyday you step a little closer to me, still i can't see what's going on. I don't and canher't count the days wherein you have taken every feeling and emotion from me, and all of sudden out of curiosity and abundant need of something in return it was all gone the millisecond you have to breathe in for air. I can't go back to that moment that was meant to happen.
It was all a matter of time,when i have finally realized that there will always be a part of you that i can't take away from me. I can't just rip you off out of my chest. A stain on the low right corner of my beating heart, it would always be there eternally. Love might again exist in a few years, but it can't replace the stain that has been there since forever. I will always be in there standing where in you pretend to exist.
I will, and will always carry it upon my hands and living heart.
Friday, October 5, 2012
This is supposed to be on Tumblr
These questions are meant to be asked to a user on Tumblr, but yes I've got nothing to do so why not do this here? LOL
1: Picture of yourself
Look down there on my About Me. Too lazy to upload a new one.
2: Are you a monogamous person or do you believe in open-ended relationships?
I will answer this with a simple sentence. Nothing last.
3: Have you ever been dumped?
I am a girl, and to be honest yes. I've been friend-zoned. LOL
4: What do you most like about making out?
The feeling of feeling the body and heat of your significant other.
5: Have you ever casually made out with someone who you weren’t seriously involved with?
No.
6: When you kiss someone for the first time, is it usually you who initiates it or the other?
Depends.
7: What part of a person’s body do you find most attractive?
Eyes, skin and shoulders.
8: Who was the last person you talked to last night before you went to bed?
Classmate.
9: Had sex with someone you knew less than an hour?
No.
10: Had sex with someone you didn’t know their name?
No.
11: What makes your heart flutter and brings a big cheesy smile to your face?
That moment when that person is being honest with you.
12: Would you get involved with someone if they had a child already?
Uhh..no.
13: Has someone who had a crush on you ever confessed to you?
Yes.
14: Do you tell a lot of people when you have a crush?
YES! YESSS!
15: Do you miss your last sweetie?
In time i think my answer would be yes, but as of now please give me a break.
16: Last time you slow danced with someone?
Years ago.
17: Have you ever ‘dated’ someone you’ve never met?
LOL YES.
18: How can I win your heart?
Just be true with anything and be honest with what your feeling and to yourself too.
19: What is your astrological sign?
Aquarius.
20: What were you doing last night at 12 AM?
Over thinking about thesis, and praying.
21: Do you cook?
A bit, yes.
22: Have you ever gotten back in touch with an old flame after a time of more than 3 months of no communication?
Yes.
23: If you’re single right now, do you wish you were in a relationship?
No. Everything takes time and a lot of maturity.
24: Do you prefer to date various people or do you pretty much fall into monogamous relationships quickly?
It's more of infatuation towards a lot of people, but in the end i would say i could only love one person.
25: What physical traits do you look for in a potential interest?
Athletic body, nice hair, broad shoulders.
26: Name four things that you wish you had:
Money (lol), a cat, another set of longboard
27: Are you a player?
No.
28: Have you ever kissed 2 people in one day?
No.
29: Are you a tease?
Yes, sometimes.
30: Ever meet anyone you met on Tumblr?
It's so sad to think that they're like million miles away. I live half across the world from them.
31: Have you ever been deeply in love with someone?
Yes.
32: Anybody on Tumblr that you’d go on a date with?
That's a question mark.
33: Hugs or Kisses?
Kisses.
34: Are you too shy to ask someone out?
Not an appropriate question for a girl.
35: The first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
Eyes.
36: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you babe?
Yes, babe.
37: . If a sexy person was pursuing you, but you knew he/she was in relationship, would you go for it?
No.
38: Do you flirt a lot?
No.
39: Your last kiss?
-
40: Have you kissed more than 5 people since the start of 2011?
-
41: Have you kissed anyone in the past month?
No.
42: If you could kiss anyone who would it be?
-
43: Do you know who you’ll kiss next?
No.
44: Does someone like you currently?
That would be another question mark.
45: Do you currently have feelings for anyone?
Not anymore.
46: Do you like to be in serious relationships or just flings?
Serious, seriously.
47: Ever made out with just a friend?
No.
48: Are you happier single or in a relationship?
-
49: Your own question that you want me to answer. Just write it.
What do you call the people who doesn't know what they're doing?
1: Picture of yourself
Look down there on my About Me. Too lazy to upload a new one.
2: Are you a monogamous person or do you believe in open-ended relationships?
I will answer this with a simple sentence. Nothing last.
3: Have you ever been dumped?
I am a girl, and to be honest yes. I've been friend-zoned. LOL
4: What do you most like about making out?
The feeling of feeling the body and heat of your significant other.
5: Have you ever casually made out with someone who you weren’t seriously involved with?
No.
6: When you kiss someone for the first time, is it usually you who initiates it or the other?
Depends.
7: What part of a person’s body do you find most attractive?
Eyes, skin and shoulders.
8: Who was the last person you talked to last night before you went to bed?
Classmate.
9: Had sex with someone you knew less than an hour?
No.
10: Had sex with someone you didn’t know their name?
No.
11: What makes your heart flutter and brings a big cheesy smile to your face?
That moment when that person is being honest with you.
12: Would you get involved with someone if they had a child already?
Uhh..no.
13: Has someone who had a crush on you ever confessed to you?
Yes.
14: Do you tell a lot of people when you have a crush?
YES! YESSS!
15: Do you miss your last sweetie?
In time i think my answer would be yes, but as of now please give me a break.
16: Last time you slow danced with someone?
Years ago.
17: Have you ever ‘dated’ someone you’ve never met?
LOL YES.
18: How can I win your heart?
Just be true with anything and be honest with what your feeling and to yourself too.
19: What is your astrological sign?
Aquarius.
20: What were you doing last night at 12 AM?
Over thinking about thesis, and praying.
21: Do you cook?
A bit, yes.
22: Have you ever gotten back in touch with an old flame after a time of more than 3 months of no communication?
Yes.
23: If you’re single right now, do you wish you were in a relationship?
No. Everything takes time and a lot of maturity.
24: Do you prefer to date various people or do you pretty much fall into monogamous relationships quickly?
It's more of infatuation towards a lot of people, but in the end i would say i could only love one person.
25: What physical traits do you look for in a potential interest?
Athletic body, nice hair, broad shoulders.
26: Name four things that you wish you had:
Money (lol), a cat, another set of longboard
27: Are you a player?
No.
28: Have you ever kissed 2 people in one day?
No.
29: Are you a tease?
Yes, sometimes.
30: Ever meet anyone you met on Tumblr?
It's so sad to think that they're like million miles away. I live half across the world from them.
31: Have you ever been deeply in love with someone?
Yes.
32: Anybody on Tumblr that you’d go on a date with?
That's a question mark.
33: Hugs or Kisses?
Kisses.
34: Are you too shy to ask someone out?
Not an appropriate question for a girl.
35: The first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
Eyes.
36: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you babe?
Yes, babe.
37: . If a sexy person was pursuing you, but you knew he/she was in relationship, would you go for it?
No.
38: Do you flirt a lot?
No.
39: Your last kiss?
-
40: Have you kissed more than 5 people since the start of 2011?
-
41: Have you kissed anyone in the past month?
No.
42: If you could kiss anyone who would it be?
-
43: Do you know who you’ll kiss next?
No.
44: Does someone like you currently?
That would be another question mark.
45: Do you currently have feelings for anyone?
Not anymore.
46: Do you like to be in serious relationships or just flings?
Serious, seriously.
47: Ever made out with just a friend?
No.
48: Are you happier single or in a relationship?
-
49: Your own question that you want me to answer. Just write it.
What do you call the people who doesn't know what they're doing?
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Lost in pages
I believe in fate. I believed in every word you whispered and every smile you flickered. My dear what is this that you do to me? Is this a trap? For so long i never knew how does love completes a human being, how it turns your insides, and how it consumes your mind. You filled the cup with so much of you, and it pours. Nothing is left for me. The flower it blooms and grows, but the scent doesn't stay for too long. Nothing really lasts. A love was lost. The moment i found myself, you were lost.
I have loved you.
I have loved you.
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